


Losing a Whole Year

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5173661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid.  She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean.  It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this story but it will not be written about in graphic detail. I still thought it deserved some kind of trigger warning as its not usually something I write about.
> 
> This is my first official AU in this fandom. AUs are my favorite to write, I love throwing the characters into circumstances completely different from canon and seeing if their personalities still shine through. As it is with all AUs through many fandoms, the characters you read about will have been on Law and Order: SVU sometime in the past 17 seasons. That’s a lot of characters but I mostly stick to ones that would be familiar even to the casual watcher.

“Good evening, Mrs. Benson.” Rafael stood on the other side of the door and smiled.

“Hello Roberto, you can come in.”

“Rafael, ma'am.”

“Of course.” Serena, carrying a large glass of something that smelled like whiskey, went to the bottom of the stairs. “Olivia, little Roberto is here to see you.”

“Rafael, ma'am.” He repeated.

“I'm sorry, sweetie.” She caressed his face for a few minutes too long, her speech both slurred and purring. “I'm so bad with Hispanic names. You prefer the term Hispanic, right?”

“Come upstairs, Barba.” Liv leaned over the bannister. “Mom, leave him alone.”

“I was simply apologizing to the young man. There's dinner down here if you're hungry, darling.”

“I'm not. C'mon Barba.”

“Right.” Rafael nodded. “Thanks Mrs. Benson.”

“Of course sweetheart. Olivia could stand more sweet friends like you.”

“Yes ma'am.”

He went up the long stairwell and then down the hall past the bathroom into Olivia’s bedroom. It was the first girl’s bedroom he'd ever been in but that had been months ago. They got paired together for a history project and it was easier to work at Liv’s house since he lived in the South Bronx. Somehow, no one was really sure, the two of them became friends. Olivia Benson didn’t have many friends. 

She was dark, moody, and kept to herself. Some of the meaner girls called her a Goth bitch but Olivia mostly ignored them. She was cooler with some of the guys at school like Bayard Ellis, who was pretty straight laced, and Fin Tutuola, who wasn’t really. That got her the rep of being a slut, which made less sense than the Goth label. She paid no mind to any of it, just trying to survive another day. 

Rafael was doing the same thing. He was a stranger in a strange land, having left his friends behind in the South Bronx for a scholarship to St. Anne’s. It was one of the best Catholic schools in the five boroughs. Senators, judges, writers, and even a famous baseball player had all gone to school there. It seemed that these days most of the students weren't even Catholic, though Mass was still held a half hour every day and all were encouraged to come to God. Rafael usually found he was running in the other direction.

“What's up, Barba?” Liv went and sat back on her bed. “Isn't it a little late for you to be gracing the isle of Manhattan with your presence?”

“You're the only person I can talk to about this. I was gonna go home after the library but you lived close by so…”

“Aww c'mon, I told you this was going to happen. Attachments aren’t my thing. I do not want to be your pal and confidante. Do I look like Rue McClanahan to you?”

“Often times I don’t even know what you're talking about. And what are you listening to?”

“You're never heard of Simple Minds?” Liv asked.

“Um…”

“I'm going to take that as a no.” she made a face. Moving back her blanket, she went back to what she was doing.

“Whoa, what is that?” Rafael’s green eyes widened.

“Don’t be naïve.” Liv said.

“What are you doing with all that pot?” he whispered. “That’s enough for possession with intent to distribute.”

“Yeah, cuz the cops are going to burst into my house right now and arrest me.” Liv said.

“Where did you get all that pot from?”

“That’s really not your business. I'm being compensated for the work I'm doing. I need a little money on the side; Mom has decided that I've reached the age where I have to kiss her ass to get anything. Babes in Toyland is coming to town soon and I'm not asking her for ticket money. So I picked up a side gig.”

“I don’t plan on judging you.” Rafael said.

“Oh wow, I feel better already.” Liv smirked. “What's up, Barba? I don’t have all night for the niceties.”

“How do you know if someone likes you?” he asked.

“Seriously? That’s what you came all the way over here for?”

“It’s important, Liv.”

“Oh,” she looked up as she filled a baggie with marijuana. “You mean how do know when a boy likes you?”

“Yeah.” Shuffling in his black school shoes, Rafael shoved his hands into his pockets. 

Liv was the only one who knew that Rafael was attracted to both boys and girls. She found out by accident but kept his secret for him. He didn’t want anyone to think he was gay. Life in his neighborhood was already hard as hell, if that got around he’d be taking beat downs straight through college graduation. And if his father even suspected or heard a whiff of a rumor, he might end up in a coma or worse. 

For years he tried to pray it away, to a God he barely believed in. But as he got older, as his hormones sometimes made more sense than his brain, Rafael didn’t exactly want to repress those feelings. Even if he did, he hardly knew how. His classmates were involved in all kind of intimate and sexual shenanigans so why would he want to be any different? At least they were in New York City so the chances of finding someone who wanted to go there with him were a lot higher than almost any place else in America. Reason #209 to be glad he wasn’t from Duluth.

“If you tell me his name I’ll tell you what I think. I have a 10 guy streak going so I'm probably right.”

“Other people ask you about this?” Rafael asked.

“Some girls come to me and ask me about available guys. I guess they figure since I'm the school tramp that I would know these things. I tell them the gay boys aren’t interested in them that way. As I said, I'm probably right.”

“It’s Trevor.” Rafael said. “Can I sit down? I'm gonna start pacing in a minute.”

“Sure, move my book bag off the chair.” 

He moved the bag and sat down. It was heavy as hell, which didn’t exactly jive with Olivia Benson being the queen of cutting classes. Rafael hadn’t quite figured her out yet. Though his gaydar never really worked, he was usually good at observing and reading people. Olivia Benson was a mystery wrapped in an enigma and stuffed into a fortune cookie. 

Some things were obvious like loving The Smiths and The Police (the band, not the boys in blue). She had a thing for French love stories and a giant Lloyd Dobler poster over her bed. She smoked weed sometimes, drank cheap beer, and occasionally let the guy of her choice get to second base. She was troubled, wounded, but a fierce fighter of a girl. 

Despite the sometimes troubling behavior she might display, it seemed as if she was in control of her situations at all times. Rafael couldn’t make sense of that. Olivia Benson looked sometimes like a walking public service announcement. He wouldn’t be surprised if she graduated first in their class and got into Yale.

“So Trevor who? I'm getting older by the millisecond, Barba.”

“Trevor Langan. We have chemistry, AP English, and Pre-Calc together.”

“I don’t go by class schedules. Tell me what he looks like.”

“Tall, really tall, great posture.” Rafael smiled. “A gorgeous smile with a beard just starting to grow in. And he has these blue eyes…these amazing blue eyes.”

“I think you're talking about runner boy.”

“Runner boy?”

“He runs. I don’t know if he's on the track team or if he just likes using the track after school but I've seen him around. He does have a ridiculously good posture.”

“I know, it’s fabulous. So do you think he might…?”

“I don’t get the gay vibe from him.” Liv shook her head. “But I don’t quite get the straight vibe from him either. He preens more than your average straight guy.”

“There are other vibes?” Rafael asked. “How many?”

“I don't know, like three or four.” Olivia began putting marijuana in Top paper and rolling them into cigarettes. “There's the gay vibe, kinda the same for guys and girls. There’s the straight vibe, self-explanatory. 

“Then there's what I refer to as the ‘hmm’ vibe. It could really go either way and I just haven’t figured out which one yet. Finally you have the ‘virgin and proud and don’t keep trying’ vibe. Obviously that vibe loses and gains members on a circular basis. Very few people at St. Anne’s fit into that category.”

“With the ‘hmm’ vibe, as you call it, what if you never figure it out.”

“How do you mean?”

“What if you're attracted to guys and girls too and that’s just the way it is and it’s never going to change to one side or the other and it changes depending on who you're kinda scoping out at the time?” Rafael asked.

“Then you're a bisexual.” Liv replied.

“Don’t say it like it’s so simple!” Rafael exclaimed, quickly checking his tone. The last thing he needed was for Mrs. Benson to hear him. “You say it like oh yeah, that’s algebra. It’s all good.”

“There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, Barba. Go to the library, read some Kinsey dude.”

“What girl wants to go out with a guy who also messes around with other guys? She'd probably be afraid I'd give her AIDS or something.”

“Seriously?” Liv raised an eyebrow. “If any girl believes that then she is too dumb to go out with you. Heterosexual people are getting AIDS faster than gay men and you wanna know why. Because they're idiots who think they're invincible and that AIDS is something only gay people get. It's 1996 but people still believe that. 

“Mankind’s ignorance never ceases to blow my mind. You don’t want to be associated with people like that, Barba. I can scope out some info on Langan if you want. I know he's an athlete and I can't think of three cheerleaders I've ever seen him keeping company with. That’s actually in his favor. I could call Connie, she runs track…I know she has the juice.”

“Don’t get other girls involved!” Rafael groaned. “Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.”

“Connie isn't other girls, she's actually cool. And it’s not like she's going to walk up to him with a mic and ask him who he prefers to have sex with. He might be the one kid in our school who is waiting for a sign from the lord.”

“If he's waiting for that, I can forget it.” Rafael mumbled, looking at his watch. “Oh shit, I gotta go. My mom wanted me home by seven and I know the trains are gonna screw that up. Thanks for your help, Olivia.”

“I haven’t done anything yet and nothing is free. I get good Intel and you pay for it. No need to pay upfront…I’ll get my due when I have what you need.”

“How much? Should I start digging through my piggy bank?” Rafael asked. He didn’t have much in the way of funds and his mother made him quit his part-time job when the summer ended. He was making OK money at the bodega but Lucia Barba cared more about her son’s grades than his empty pockets. He'd saved money, of course, but was already digging into it trying to keep up with the rich Manhattan kids.

“I've had my eye on this vintage New York Dolls tee shirt.” She said. “It’s $25 and I have it on hold at Buffalo Exchange. So I get you what you need, you get me my tee shirt, and we’re square. Deal.”

“Deal.”

“Also, I just get information, I don’t get play love connection. In fact almost every couple in that school makes me wanna gag. I wouldn’t even do this but you're an alright kid so…”

“Another ringing Benson endorsement.” Rafael smiled.

“Go home, motor mouth. I don’t want you getting into any trouble with your dad tonight.”

“Yeah, for real. See you in homeroom tomorrow.”

Rafael headed back downstairs, expecting to run into Mrs. Benson again but she was nowhere to be seen. All the better for him to sneak out of the house. Imagine his surprise when she was sitting on the steps putting a hurting on a Marlboro Light. He cleared his throat and put on the Barba smile.

“Have a good evening, Mrs. Benson.”

“Oh you too, Roberto. Olivia needs more sweet friends like you, I'm glad you're coming around more.”

“Yes ma'am.” He didn’t bother to correct his name for the fourth time. “Goodnight.”

***

“I fuckin hate meeting in here.” Declan Murphy rolled his eyes as he walked into the 2nd floor girl’s bathroom. For some reason it was the least used in the school. That could be because it was next to the gym, which had bathrooms in the locker room.

“No you don’t.”

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Last stall.” She said.

“I think you get a kick out of this double oh seven shit.” He walked into the stall and looked at Olivia Benson.

“Whatevs. Here’s your stuff.”

“How did it go?”

“I did dimes and twenty bags, ten nicks for the cheapskates, and thirty joints.”

“I've gotten some compliments on your packing style.” He stuffed the giant baggie filled with little baggies into his book bag. “You're perhaps a bit too generous.”

“I don’t mean to waste your stuff but you can also look at it in a ‘keep the customer satisfied’ kinda way.”

“I do, mostly.” Declan took three joints from the baggie and handed them to Liv. Then he pulled a neat wad of money from the front zipper of his book bag. Peeling off five $10 bills, he gave them to her as well. “I need you to do more bags for me, a little underweight.”

“OK…for $75.” She said.

“If I give you $75 I can't give you joints.”

“It’s OK, I can buy them like the rest of the plebes.”

“I like you Benson.” He grinned.

“Translation…I want to fuck you.” She took the small brick of weed, wrapped in plastic and stuffed into a baggie, and put it in her book bag.

“I'm not opposed to fucking you.” Declan shook his head. “But I do like you. The gigantic chip on your shoulder is especially sexy.”

“I'm not your type Declan, I'm not 15.” Liv smirked.

“I don’t like them that young, that’s not fair. That’s also a little gross.”

“Amanda Rollins.”

“She's 16, OK? And we've only ever hooked up; she's not taking the snake.”

“I wonder why. It can't be because you say sexy things to her like taking the snake.”

“Guys must not know half the time whether to kiss you or smack you.” He said.

“Try either and see what you get.”

“I hear you.” Declan laughed. “I need that stash back by Monday. Oh and I know a dude who has good seats for the Babes in Toyland show. He's selling them for $50.”

“I got someone already.” Liv put her backpack on and opened the stall door. “He's hooking me up at $40. It’s a general admission so I’ll take the better deal.”

“Cool. If you're still interested in a fake ID I also got a guy…$100.”

“That I'm interested in. Can you get me the fake ID in exchange for this?” she pointed to her book bag.

“Yeah.” Declan nodded.

“Thanks, Declan.”

“Don’t tell anyone but I got a soft spot for you, Benson.” 

“Whatevs.”

She walked out of the bathroom, nearly running into a couple of giggling freshman who were trying to go in. That would’ve been really embarrassing for Declan so she decided to cut him some slack.

“Someone puked in there.” Liv said. “It smells like yesterday’s meatloaf.”

“Gross.” One of the freshman made a face.

“Yeah, the one on the first floor is always cleaner anyway.”

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

She walked down the hall singing Disneyland in her head. There was about 20 minutes left to fifth period and walking into French class now would give her more trouble than she felt like dealing with. Liv would just go to the library and chill in the stacks. If Ms. Switzer caught her she usually wouldn’t give her too much grief. She’d catch up on reading _The Great Gatsby_ just in case she got called on again today in English class. 

Hearing the snickering of the bitch brigade in her ear pissed Olivia off. She could run circles around those girls in academics, she just didn’t care for this book. Liv mostly didn’t care for school but she knew what she had to do to get decent grades for college. In just a year and a half all of this would be a bad, but distant, memory. College wasn’t going to suddenly make her world a better place. Getting away from all of this was a good start though.

***

“Consuela!” Liv wolf whistled as she walked through the crowds trying to exit the school as if it was on fire. 2:45 was always mass hysteria and this late March afternoon was no different. The few teachers and school officials who tried to make it into something resembling order always failed miserably.

“Inside voice, Ms. Benson.” Principal Dodds gave her the icy glare from across the hallway.

“I'm not gonna be inside for much longer, sir.”

“Try to control yourself while you are please.”

She didn’t answer or bother to give him the finger like she wanted to. She already had two demerits this trimester, one more and it was a suspension. Her mother would have a heart attack and Olivia wasn’t in the mood so she tried to stay on her best behavior. Authority figures made that extremely difficult. She was almost outside, saw Connie waving at her from the curb when she ran into him. The impact almost knocked Liv on her ass. He made no effort to help her or make sure she didn’t get crush by the crowd.

“Way to be a douche, Lewis!” she exclaimed.

“Suck on it, Benson.” He grabbed his crotch. “You know you want to.”

“Mr. Lewis!” Dodds exclaimed. “Leave now or face a demerit.”

This time Liv did give the finger, adjusting her bag on her back and running to get to Connie. The rain was falling steady and she had an umbrella. Liv didn’t care much about her school books and worksheets but there was weed in her bag and she didn’t need that getting wet. It wasn’t exactly like she could lay it out all over bedroom to dry it off.

“He is such a creep.” Connie made a face. “Casey told me that the coach caught him lurking around in the girl’s locker room and he didn’t even get a demerit. He just got a warning because it was after hours. That’s such bull…the cheerleaders and female athletes shower in there all the time after hours. When she told me that, I bought a can of mace.”

“You didn’t already have one?” Liv asked.

“I bought another can of mace.” Connie clarified. “He gives me the creeps and most guys, even the worse ones, don’t do that.”

“He's a menace to society. Last year he tried to corner me at the Soph hop. I threatened to knee him in the nuts. Now he glares at me and makes the occasional gross reference to his balls.”

“Do you need mace? They sell it on the cheap at the bodega by my house.”

“Nah, I'm good.” Liv shook her head.

“What's up?” Connie asked.

“Do you know Trevor Langan?”

“Trevor on the swim team?”

“Is that what he does? I've only ever seen him running on the track.”

“I kinda know him.” Connie said. “He's one of the rich kids but not a total douche. He's a little bit of a douche but usually he's making us laugh at the track. What about him?”

“Do you know what he's into?”

“He doesn’t do drugs at all, testing and all.”

“You did mushrooms with me week before last.” Liv said.

“I also usually smuggle in my little sister’s pee but we’re going to keep that between us.” Connie said.

“For sure. And I meant what he's into like sex wise? Is he hooking up with anyone?”

“Not that I know of. Some of the cheerleaders try to get friendly, I mean he is kinda hot in that rich, white boy way. He brushes them all off, polite but not interested.”

“You think he might like guys?”

“Which guy?” Connie’s brown eyes got wide. “I want deets, Olivia Benson.”

“I just know someone who’s interested if Trevor is. You think you could find out for me?”

“Sure. I sit like three seats over from him in AP History. I’ll ask.”

“Do not ask the boy if he likes cock.” Liv said. “I need subtlety, Connie.”

“Subtlety is my middle name.” Connie said.

“I thought it was Antonia.”

“OK, subtlety is my confirmation name. Don’t worry Benson, I got this. Did you see Declan this afternoon?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Did he hook you up?”

“Yes.” Liv nodded.

“C'mon, you want me to beg.”

“Five bucks.” Liv held out her palm.

“Damn, the price went up.”

“Inflation. A girl’s gotta eat.”

Connie nodded, and took a five dollar bill from the little purse across her chest. Liv took a joint from her jacket pocket and they made a quick exchange. Connie stuffed it into her purse.

“His stuff is tight. He also sells to a friend of my brother’s and he says he loves it. Some of the Mexican boys aren’t liking that he's getting such awesome product. At least that’s what I heard.”

“Murphy can take care of himself. There's a rumor that like his entire family is Westies.”

“Oh shit, for real?” Connie asked.

“That’s what I heard. He doesn’t say anything about it but that just adds to the mystery. That could also be why the Mexicans haven’t beat the shit out of him yet. Westies beat dudes into comas with pipes and ask questions later.”

“Yeah, I know. Oh, I got my ticket to the Babes in Toyland show yesterday. You're still going right?”

“Yeah, I'm getting mine in a few days. I'm also getting a fake ID. I think it’s about time that I'm 21. Are you interested?”

“I have a baby face.” Connie said. “Thanks for asking though. Do you want me to walk you home? I think this rain is getting worse and you don’t have an umbrella.”

“I'm OK.” Liv did take off her backpack and jacket. She put her backpack on again, putting her oversized jacket over it. Liv put the hood over her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“OK, bye.”

Liv was walking pretty fast, it was barely spring and the rain had a chill underneath of it. She was about a block from school, six or so blocks from home when she thought someone was walking behind her. Not just a regular person, the weather had most walking faster than their normal pace, but someone was following her. She turned around and didn’t recognize anyone. Standing on the curb waiting for a green light, Liv thought she saw a flash out of the corner of her eye. She turned again and he was standing just a few feet away. Scowling, she stalked toward him.

“Get away from me.” She said.

“You approached me.” William Lewis wore a creepy, cheeky grin. “So…”

“You're following me.”

“This is a public city street. You're paranoid, Benson.”

“I will beat the shit out of you.” She pointed at him. “I promise.”

“You are not a nice girl.” He shook his head. “I don’t think your daddy ever took you over his knee and gave you a proper spanking.”

“You don’t know anything about me, you creep. If you keep following me you're gonna regret it.”

“I'm not afraid of Fin Tutuola or any of those other wannabe gangstas that might owe you a favor. What did you have to do to get on their good side?”

“Fuck off.” Liv didn’t want to seem like she was running away but she didn’t want to miss the light. 

Once she was across the three lane street, she looked back at him. Connie was right, Lewis gave her the creeps. There were lots of guys at school who were jerks, idiots, or needed to consult a dictionary for the definition of the word no. Lewis was different. When Liv looked into his eyes, she didn’t see anything. He was so cold and calculating. 

She'd seen him talk his way out of so many violations at St. Anne’s it was almost legend. He was definitely a sociopath. If she was on his radar being nice wasn’t going to work. Being mean wasn’t going to work. Guys like him barely responded to ass whoopings, she knew he'd been on the receiving end of a couple in his time. Liv didn’t know what she was going to do but she would have to do something.

***

“Olivia Benson!” Serena burst into her daughter’s room. “Olivia!”

“Oh my god, mom,” she took off her headphones. “You could’ve just knocked.”

“I did knock, you didn’t hear me because of that music blaring in your ears.” Serena held up a baggie. “What the hell is this?”

“Why are you going through my stuff?”

Liv sat up on the bed. She reached for the baggie but her mother’s reflexes were still pretty decent. That surely meant she hadn’t had her fill of spirits for the evening.

“You don’t have any stuff…this is my house. Are you smoking this? Is that why you brought home two Cs on your last report card?”

“Mom, its weed, not PCP. It’s not that big of a deal.” Now was surely the time to be grateful that her mother knew nothing about the mushrooms.

“Oh, you don’t think it’s a big deal! Do you know what this stuff does to your brain? It kills brain cells and they never come back, Olivia. It turns you into a burnt out waste of space. And as soon as it stops getting you high you start looking for something stronger to fill the void.”

“I'm not going to start turning tricks because I smoke a couple of joints.” Liv rolled her eyes. “You're being overdramatic.”

“Don’t you speak to me that way.”

Olivia didn’t see the slap coming. She was usually pretty good with gauging her mother’s reaction. That was usually because she didn’t come for Olivia with silly shit unless she was drunk. When Serena was drunk she could also get violent. Liv had been slapped, pushed, shoved, and kicked. 

When she was a little girl she did her best to stay on her mother’s good side. As she got older, and angrier, it was hard for Liv to keep quiet. Her mother was a successful English professor at Hudson University; loved by students and faculty alike. She was so good at hiding the side of her that her daughter saw all too often.

“I'm so tired of this.” Liv got up from her bed. Her lip was bleeding but she ignored it. Instead she grabbed her backpack from the closet. It was her ‘runaway’ bag, she kept things in there that would be useful if she had to make a quick run. She'd had to on more than one occasion. Her mother barely paid attention as she switched the plastic shopping bag of weed from her school backpack to the one from her closet.

“You're not going anywhere.” Serena grabbed her as she tried to walk out of the room.

“Let me go!” Liv exclaimed.

“I am the mother,” Serena ripped the backpack off her arm, nearly dislocating Olivia’s shoulder in the process. “You are the child! You will listen to me.”

“Listen to you? You're nothing but a miserable drunk and I'm not listening to you anymore.”

“You ungrateful wretch of a child.” Serena slapped her again and pushed her on the bed. “I should’ve aborted you.”

Olivia screamed and came at her mother. Frightened, Serena backed up so far that she ran into the nightstand and knocked over the lamp and alarm clock. She held up her hands in defense.

“Don’t you ever put your hands on me again.” Olivia got her backpack and Discman. “I'm leaving.”

“If you leave this house, don’t you ever come back! I mean it this time…you are no daughter of mine! You are dead to me!”

Olivia ran out with her mother’s angry voice ringing in her ear. She didn’t even have time to grab a coat; it was cold and pouring outside. Not bothering to stop and cry, which she had in the past, Olivia ran the three blocks down and two blocks over to the Cathedral Parkway station. Luckily she still had the money Declan gave her earlier. She got a $10 MetroCard and went to wait for the 1 train. A homeless man was down in the subway panhandling so Liv gave him one of her $10 bills.

“God bless you, young lady.”

“I hope so, Mister.”

“Its cold out tonight…you got somewhere safe to be?” he asked. “You don’t even have a jacket.”

“I'm headed there now.” She nodded. “You take care of yourself, I'm cool.”

“You promise?”

“Scout’s honor.” Liv held up two fingers.

“Alright now. Thanks again.”

He walked away just as the train was coming. Olivia got on, taking a seat and leaning against the window. She held back her tears; she was tired of crying. Liv didn’t want to let the rage build up but anything was better than crying. She just closed her eyes and let the sounds of the train moving across the tracks bring her some kind of comfort. She was out of there, she was mostly safe, and she would figure out the rest as she went along.

The rain hadn’t slacked any when she got off the train at 72nd Street. She had to walk at least three blocks over so there was no point in being a wimp about it. Her head down, Olivia hustled down the busy Manhattan streets. She wasn’t wearing her watch, she didn’t even know what time it was. It had to be dinnertime or later; her stomach was growling and it was dusk. When she got to her destination, Olivia climbed the steep stairs and rang the doorbell. For a while no one came so she rang again. Finally she saw a figure coming and the door opened.

“Oh my god, Olivia, you're soaking wet.” Elizabeth Donnelly held her arms out.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course, c'mon.”

Olivia walked in and dropped her soaking wet backpack right at the front door. She hugged her godmother, Elizabeth stroked her hand through Liv’s wet hair. This was not the first time that the teenager came to her door. Once it had been a black eye. More than once it had been tears and anger. She didn’t know how long Olivia was going to be able to put up with her mother’s excessive drinking and subsequent violence. Elizabeth knew she was fed up with it a long time ago.

“You need to get out of these wet clothes.” Liz said.

“I got you wet.” Liv said, wiping the tears she didn’t want to fall.

“I'm fine. Go upstairs to my room and find some comfortable clothes. I’ll start a fire in the den.”

“I'm starving.” The teen didn’t want to say it but she did.

“I’ll make you something to eat. Go on.”

Liv nodded and went up the staircase. Liz took her backpack to the den with her to sit in front of fire. Her first though was to call Serena and give her a piece of her mind. Liv’s lip was fat and her face was red. She was sure her longtime friend was probably drunk as a skunk by now. 

Serena either didn’t know her daughter was gone or had chased her out of the house. Liz was afraid that the violence would escalate and Olivia or Serena could end up hurt badly or worse. Whenever she tried to bring it up, the cold shoulder would ensue. Serena didn’t need anyone telling her how to live her life or how to raise her child. Children needed discipline and the older Olivia got, the more out of control. The last thing Liz saw at her door tonight was an out of control teenager. 

Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid. She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean. It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16. Liz was sure there were things about her goddaughter that she didn’t know. One thing that she did was Olivia didn’t deserve to be abused or frightened in her own home.

Walking into the den in a pair of old shorts and Liz’s Vassar tee, Liv smiled when she saw food. A plate of Salisbury steak, mac and cheese, and corn sat on the coffee table along with something that looked like cranberry juice. The fire was going and Liz was sitting in her La-Z-Boy with a drink and a cigarette.

“Did you cook this?” Liv asked, sitting down on the couch.

“Absolutely not. I wanted to feed you, not kill you. It’s one of those microwave dinners.”

Liv nodded, knowing it was better than starving. Some of them weren't half bad, her mom would buy them on the rare occasion.

“I sat your backpack near the fire to dry but I didn’t open it.” Liz said.

“I mostly trust you. I'm just glad you were home.”

“I'm a divorced old lady, where else was I going to be?”

“You're not that old, Aunt Liz, and you're still kinda hot. You should get a boyfriend or something. I read in one of those magazines that 40 is the new 25.”

“Tell that to my ex-husband.” Liz smirked. “He’ll be forced to go out and find a 17 year old.”

“Um…eww.”

“My sentiments exactly sweetie. Is your lip OK?”

“I’ll survive.” Liv shrugged and started eating. It was probably better to have some decorum but she really was starving. She hoped Aunt Liz had dessert in her fridge.

“What happened?”

“My mom found two joints in my jacket pocket.”

“Do you smoke?”

“Sometimes. I did a favor for a friend though and that was how they paid me. Truth is I was gonna sell them for like $5 apiece and just forget about it.”

“I'm going to pretend we’re not talking about the selling of illegal drugs, since I'm an officer of the court and all.” Liz said.

“I appreciate that.” Liv replied knowing there was no way she could ever find out about the small brick of weed in her book bag. Liv was just glad she hadn’t left it at home. Her mother, when she was in one of her moods, was not beyond searching her room. Serena Benson was better than the FBI sometimes.

“Was your mom drunk?”

“Probably. She's always drunk if she's not working. She's a mess, Aunt Liz.”

“I've tried to talk to her. I know you probably don’t want to hear this now but she’s been through a lot. Not that I think she's handling it in the right way, but that doesn’t negate her trauma.”

“Why didn’t she just get rid of me?” Liv asked. “If she couldn’t stomach the abortion then why didn’t she just give me up for adoption? There's are ways to get out of a situation like that.”

Liz was stunned by that question. If Olivia was asking it then that means Serena said something to her about an abortion. Who would ever say something like that to their child, even in anger? How was she supposed to make sense of Serena’s human side when she could be such a monster? How was she supposed to comfort Olivia who asked for none of this?

“Your mother loves you.”

“She hates me.” Liv laughed but it was mirthless. “Whatever happened between her and my father isn't my fault. I don’t even know the guy. The few times I asked about him I regretted it. I haven’t in years.”

“It’s a long story, Liv, and it doesn’t have a happy ending.” Liz said.

“Was he married?”

“That’s something your mother should talk to you about.”

“She's not going to tell me anything! Just tell me, just tell me he was a piece of crap and maybe I look like him or something and that’s why she can't stand me.”

Liz took a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth. It was not her place to tell Olivia what happened to her mother. She had actually gone with Serena to the abortion facility when she found out she was pregnant. Liz wasn’t going to judge, she was going to be there for her friend. So much had already happened and Serena was in a fragile state. 

She had almost gone through with but changed her mind at the last minute. She thought maybe the one good thing that could come from this horrible mess was the precious life of her baby. It didn’t end up that way. Serena tried, Liz knew that and saw it with her own eyes. But her demons caught up with her and numbing her pain outweighed caring for her child many years ago.

“Your father hurt your mother, very badly. That’s really all I want to say, sweetheart. I know it’s not easy for you to understand and it probably never will be. I'm sorry you're going through this.”

“Can I just stay here a couple of days?” Liv asked. “I’ll let mom cool off and then go home and apologize.”

“I’ll go with you and help smooth things over. And I suggest you get better at hiding things or tell your friends there are better ways to pay back for favors.”

“Yeah.” The teenager nodded, quickly finishing off her meal. She needed more...it felt as if she hadn’t eaten in days. “I'm still hungry.”

“When was the last time that you ate?” Liz asked.

Olivia shrugged and got the stern look from her godmother.

“I ate this morning; I had a cinnamon roll and some coffee on the way to school.”

“Aren’t you too young for coffee?”

“Aunt Liz…”

“Alright, there’s leftover steak and lobster in the fridge. It’s the good stuff, I got it from Circa the other night.”

“You're the best.” Olivia jumped up from the couch with her plate. She ran to the kitchen, making sure to kiss her godmother on the way to show her thanks.

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid. She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean. It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this story but it will not be written about in graphic detail. I still thought it deserved some kind of trigger warning as its not usually something I write about.
> 
> This is my first official AU in this fandom. AUs are my favorite to write, I love throwing the characters into circumstances completely different from canon and seeing if their personalities still shine through. As it is with all AUs through many fandoms, the characters you read about will have been on Law and Order: SVU sometime in the past 17 seasons. That’s a lot of characters but I mostly stick to ones that would be familiar even to the casual watcher.

“What is going on with you?” Rita Calhoun gave him a funny look as she bit into her turkey on rye. “You are far too preoccupied and it’s not with this debate. I need your head in the game, Barba…this is going down the day after tomorrow. We are one win away from the Parochial State Championships.”

“I'm not preoccupied.” Rafael mumbled. He was looking around the cafeteria but she definitely wasn’t there. She wasn’t in homeroom this morning or in computer class at third period. Liv was rarely absent from school, even if he didn’t see her in class.

“Who are you looking for?” Rita tried to hide her impatience. 

Rafael was a great debater but he needed more discipline. She hadn’t worked this hard to let some boy trip her up. She wanted that trophy. They only made it to the semi-finals last year; this was her chance to prove herself. It was going to look amazing on her transcripts for college.

“Rita, did you have your Adderall today?” Rafael looked at her. He took a bite of his cheeseburger and hid his disgust. It wasn’t the best meal he ever had but it was going to have to do for today. Waking up late meant not being able to make lunch at home. That’s what happened when you had to take a train and a bus to school every day.

“I just want to win. My dad won the Parochial School State Championships when he was here and I want to as well. It’s my legacy.”

“You're going to be fine.”

“I'm not worried about myself.” Rita shook her head. “I know I'm going to have my debate down. I just need to make sure my team is on point. I'm the captain.”

“You don’t have to remind me. Don’t worry about me, I'm fine.”

“What has you so preoccupied?” Rita ate some fries.

“I was just looking for a friend.” He replied. “I'm not preoccupied, I just have things on my mind. That pre-calc test is the day after the debates. I can't let my grades slip doing extra-curricular work.”

“My paper for Jane Eyre is due the next day.” She rolled her eyes. “I haven’t even finished the book and don’t want to. The Bronte sisters make me want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon.”

“That’s colorful.”

“I'm serious.”

“I know; you're always serious. It’s not one of my favorites either. I lucked up and it’s not on our reading list this year. We should finish up The Magnificent Ambersons next week. Then we’ll watch the film in class.”

“Orson Welles hated that film.” Rita said.

“No, Orson Welles hated what RKO Pictures did to his original version of the film. There's a difference.”

“Will you ever just give in and let me be right.”

“As soon as you are,” Rafael replied. “I’ll say so.”

“I don’t know why we’re friends.”

“Ditto.”

The teens smiled at each other. Rita and Rafael had been friends since freshman year. She was a legacy and he was a scholarship kid. She lived in the posh Brooklyn Heights and him the South Bronx. On the surface they seemed to have nothing in common. 

But they were both driven, for different reasons, to be the best. Often running neck and neck for club positions and test scores, people expected them to hate each other. Rita tried in the beginning but Rafael was a real smartass. She knew that she could take things too seriously, what other teenager had borderline high blood pressure and tension headaches, and Rafael could bring her down from the ledge most of the time. 

The rumors quickly went around school that a Calhoun was doing the Hispanic scholarship boy. Neither of them bothered to dignify that with a response. They kissed twice, wanted to make sure they weren't missing out on something that everyone else was seeing. They weren't. Friends was much better for them than anything else.

“What friend were you looking for anyway?” Rita asked.

“Olivia Benson. She wasn’t in homeroom today but I know sometimes she can be late for school.”

“I didn’t know you two were cool. She's a bit…”

“Don’t say anything bad about Liv, Rita.” He gave her the look.

“I wasn’t.” Rita wasn’t quite telling the truth but it probably wasn’t good to go with what she heard through the St. Anne’s grapevine anyway. Anyone could be shredded by the popular kids and gossip mongers. She remembered how they did it to her and Rafael. “I just didn’t think you two had much in common.”

“I guess we don’t but we’re sorta cool. Anyway she promised to get me some info almost a week ago and I'm waiting on it.”

“Maybe she’ll be back tomorrow.”

“She doesn’t often miss school so you're probably right. I have plenty of other things to think about so I'm just gonna let it go. If I don’t see her tomorrow then I’ll worry.”

“Good plan. Hey, eat some of these fries…the lunch lady went a little ballistic on my tray.”

“Hey Rita, do you have a minute?”

Rafael immediately recognized the voice and he froze, French fry practically dangling from his lip. It couldn’t be him; this couldn’t be happening right now.

“Yeah sure Trevor, have a seat.”

Rafael wasn’t sure if it was the first time ever but Trevor Langan looked at him. He was wearing a smile. Not a ‘my heart burns there too’ smile but just a pleasant smile. Without a word, Rafael just moved his tray and book bag down so that Trevor could sit. 

Once he was on the bench, Rafael inched just a bit closer. This was the closest he'd ever been to him though they had three classes together. He smelled so damn good. Was there any way to ask what kind of cologne he wore without it sounding too gay?

“I know you have the debate going on and I don’t want to take your mind off that but we should have a student council meeting on Monday so we can come up with two big ways to make money for the junior class trip. I'm not opposed to the carwash and George Huang thinks the raffle would be a good idea as well.”

“Won't we end up spending the raffle money on the raffle prizes?” Rita asked. 

“Usually, yes. But there are some parents who are willing to dip into their pockets and supply us with what we need. I figure a TV, a nice boom box maybe with like a CD changer, a leather jacket, and maybe a new bike. That should get people in the community wanting to pay for tickets.”

“How much would the tickets cost?” Rafael asked. He didn’t care, he just wanted to talk to Trevor.

“Most raffles charge a dollar but with prizes like that I think we should charge two or three per ticket. You could get three tickets for ten bucks.” Rita said.

“That might work.” Trevor nodded. “So do you think we can cover the majority of the trip’s logistics with those two projects?”

“We can work on the money aspect on Monday but I think so. Money will have to come out of student’s pockets but I bet $50 would be a lot better than $150. It’s a good plan…maybe George isn't such a bad President after all.”

“George is fine.” Trevor grinned. “You don’t do too bad yourself. I’ll see him later in French class so I’ll let him know that it might be a go.”

“Thanks Trevor.” She smiled.

“No problem.” He looked at Rafael. “I didn’t catch your name, I'm sorry.”

“Um, it’s Rafael Barba.” Rafael extended his hand and Trevor shook it. He had large, wonderful, soft, but rough hands. There was no way that Rafael wasn’t now going to fantasize about those hands all over his body. God help him.

“I'm Trevor Langan. I like your eyes.”

“I'm, I'm…what?”

“I like your eyes.” He slowed down his words some. “They're green, right?”

“Yeah.” Rafael nodded.

“Only 2% of the world’s population has true green eyes. You're a rarity, Rafael Barba.”

“Um…thanks.”

“I’ll see you later Rita.”

“Bye Trevor.”

“Bye Rafael Barba.” He held up his hand to wave.

“S-See ya.” He watched Trevor walk away and then put his face in his hands. “Please tell me that I didn’t just make a monumental ass of myself.”

“What are you talking about?” Rita asked. “You were fine. He's right about your eyes though; incredibly rare. Has to be more so amongst Cubans.”

“My dad’s theory is my mom fucked the mailman.” Rafael said. He said it to Rita in a joking tone but it was really no laughing matter. His father wasn’t very fond of him and had said more than a few times in anger that Rafael probably wasn’t his son. That wouldn’t been fine with Rafael but surely not true.

“Are both your parents Cuban?”

“Yeah.” Barba nodded. “My mom was born here but dad was born outside of Havana and came to America when he was 12 or 13. Trevor Langan liked my eyes.”

“They're an asset Rafael, use them. I hear girls sometimes whisper about the boy with the cute green eyes.” Rita said.

“You mean the kinda chubby, big mouthed kid with the green eyes.”

“Honey, you’d be surprised the things some women are willing to overlook when they think a guy is attractive.”

“No I wouldn’t.” Rafael shook his head. “It’s how my brother keeps a girlfriend. Hey, off-topic, do you have a junior prom date?”

“George and I made a pact last year to go on the junior and senior proms together. It makes it easier on him being gay and on me having a disdain for a large majority of the male population of this school. Present company excluded.”

“I appreciate that. Lunch is almost over, I’ll help you finish those fries.”

“Thanks.” Rita pushed her tray to the middle of the table. “Do you not have a date for the prom?”

“I'm working on it. Do you know if Trevor Langan has a date?”

“Nope.” She shook her head. “I know it’s the 90s and all but you can't take a boy on the prom anyway, not even just as friends. This is still Catholic school.”

“I wasn’t trying to take Trevor on the prom.” Rafael lied. “I was just making conversation. Seems like you know each other well.”

“Not too well. I'm the student council Vice-President and he's the Treasurer. So we meet once a week and discuss school stuff. Other than that, I don’t know much about him. He's on the swim team too. I probably know as much about him as any other person. There are surely those who know more.”

Rafael nodded. He munched on French fries, trying to think about how he could finagle his way into another conversation with Trevor. He hated running so that wasn’t going to work. But they had three classes together so that might be a good in. Rafael was doing well in all of them but could pretend he wasn’t. 

Pre-Calc had its moments. Maybe he would approach Trevor and ask him how he was doing. Maybe they could study together and do even better. He really wished Olivia was here. She was a much better wingman than Rita. If he was going to put himself out there, risk life and limb for this boy crush, he needed to know someone that was more badass than he was had his back.

***

“Hey Trevor.”

He heard the voice so he closed his locker and saw the girl standing there. Connie Rubirosa was on the track team so they knew each other pretty well. She had long, strong legs and she was quite pretty. There was always one guy or another out there trying to get her attention while she ran laps or jumped hurdles. 

Trevor could admit to snickering while watching her ignore or belittle them. She definitely wasn’t the giggly, hee hee hee type. If a boy stepped out of line in anyway, she was there to put him back in his place. Trevor respected that.

“Hey Connie, what's up?”

“So we’re trying to get this petition together to take to administrators about prom night.”

“What kind of petition?”

“We’re trying to fight for gay students to be able to bring same sex dates to the event.” Connie replied.

“That’s never going to happen.” Trevor shook his head. “St. Anne’s is a serious Catholic school. No Catholic school in their right Catholic mind is gonna relax that rule. And because they don’t get state funds, they wouldn’t even have to listen if the state did. Good cause though.”

“Yeah thanks. But wait, don’t you wanna sign? I mean imagine if you liked a totally cool, hot boy and you two were going out but you couldn’t go on the prom together. Wouldn’t that suck?”

“It would suck.” Trevor nodded.

“So sign the petition. I've got over 100 signatures so far and we've only been doing this since yesterday. I know some of the stuffier of our classmates will give me trouble so I want to try to get everyone who’s not a jerk.”

“I'm not a jerk.” Trevor took the pen and scribbled his name on line number 42.

“Thanks so much. And by the way, I wasn’t insinuating that you were gay or anything, I was just trying to tell a sympathetic story. My abuela always says a sympathetic story gets them every time.”

“I figured you weren't. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. People should just realize that gay isn't the only thing to be other than straight on the sex spectrum. Sometimes people with less publicized feelings get lost in the cyclone of the gay thing. You know?”

“I don’t know.” Connie shook her head. She thought she might know but maybe Trevor just said it in a confusing way.

“Read _The Kinsey Reports_ and _The New Joy of Sex_. Americans are so wound up about sex and yet every species engages in it in their own way. We’ve turned sex for any means other than procreation into a taboo subject. Males having sex with males was normal in the Roman times and even after. Lesbians didn’t just show up one day fighting to keep from having to shave their arm pits. Read the works of Sappho and Le Fanu’s _Carmilla_. That story was written a full 25 years before Dracula and has a lesbian protagonist.”

“Thanks. I'm going to add those things to my summer reading list. Thanks for the signature too.”

“Sure.”

“Hey wait, Trevor?”

“Yeah?”

“So this spectrum thing…where do you fall on it?” Connie asked.

“Somewhere in the middle probably.” He replied. “I'm 17 years old, I'm just trying to figure it the hell out like everyone else.”

“Tell me about it. See ya around.”

“Bye.” He waved and walked down the hall.

***

“Thanks for coming over.” Liv said as Rafael sat down in the den. “Do you want a Coke or something?”

“No, I'm good. I told my mom I was going out with some of the people on the Debate Team to celebrate. She's just glad I'm making friends.”

“Oh yeah, congrats on that. I heard the trophy is as big as Rita Calhoun’s ego.” She smiled.

“Rita’s OK. She really wanted this but we aren’t there yet. I hear Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows in Albany is no joke. They’ve won it three years in a row.”

“I'm sure you guys will kick their asses.”

“So where are we? This isn’t your house.” Rafael said.

“My godmother lives here. My mom and I had a big fight; it’s why I missed school for a couple of days. I didn’t mean to ignore you for most of the day today but I've got a lot on my mind.”

“I hear you. Family stuff is more important than finding out if some guy has the potential to like me. Some really cute guy who happens to like my eyes.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was formerly introduced to Trevor the other day.” He said. “He sat down at my lunch table to talk to Rita about some student council stuff. He said I had great eyes.”

“Well according to Connie, he is totally probably bisexual.” Liv said.

“How did she come up with that scientific definition?” Rafael was skeptical. He was skeptical of everything but he was seriously skeptical of Trevor Langan being totally probably bisexual.

“She made up a fake petition about getting St. Anne’s to relax on the no same sex couples to prom policy. I told you the girl is brilliant. She asked Trevor to sign and then slid into some personal info. She told me that he was talking about spectrums and the Kinsey Reports. 

“I told you Barba, you gotta read Kinsey. Anyway, after all that Connie asked where he fell on the spectrum. Trevor said smack in the middle. Smack in the middle is bisexual…equal attraction to both males and females.”

“He was probably pulling her leg.” Rafael scoffed.

“I'm giving you the information you asked for and you won't even believe it.”

“It’s too good to be true.”

“No it’s not. Him being into guys doesn’t mean he's into you so in a way you haven’t achieved anything yet.”

“Sure I have, I've achieved not getting punched in the nuts for maybe asking him to a movie or something.” Rafael said.

“There is that.” Liv nodded.

“Are you going to live here now?” he asked.

“Oh how I wish. I have to go back home, suck it up, and make nice with my mom.”

“What was the fight about?”

He wasn’t sure if Olivia would tell him. It wasn’t any of his business but maybe she needed someone to talk to. Rafael didn’t want to be nice just because she gave him some possibly good information, he liked Olivia. He knew what it was like to have a volatile home life. 

His father could turn on a dime and usually Rafael just avoided him. But when Eduardo Barba needed a punching bag he usually picked his middle child. With his big brother, who also had bully tendencies, gone it was up to Rafael to keep his father from going off on his mother. He didn’t usually go there with Lucia but living with someone who had a hair trigger temper kept them all on their toes.

“I had a baggie with two joints in it. I forgot to take it out of my jacket and she found it. I hate that she goes through my stuff.” Liv rolled her eyes. “Well she decided those two joints meant I was going to fail out of school and get hooked on heroin. She'd been drinking…she's not rational when she's drinking. Things got a little physical so I left.”

“You OK?”

Liv shrugged. She was still here, and even though she'd missed a couple of days of school she would be alright. Her mother had probably drank herself blind and didn’t even remember all the events that happened. That’s what made it so hard for Olivia. 

She remembered everything and her mother very little. At least that’s what Serena always indicated. Her daughter thought she might be lying. Not every time but most of the time.

“Barba, what's your dad like?” 

“Huh?”

“What’s your dad like?”

“He's a piece of shit.” Rafael replied before he could stop himself.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah well.” He shrugged. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t have a dad.” Liv replied. “I mean, I have one but I don’t know anything about him. My mom clearly hates the guy but she won't tell me anything about him. I tried to get my Aunt Liz to tell me but all she would say is that he hurt my mom and it’s hard for her to get over.”

“Not that I'm trying to belittle your thing but having a dad isn't all it’s cracked up to be. I'd give you mine but I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy’s dog.”

“Yeah, I'm good. But you're really good in computer class.”

“I'm getting an A.”

“I want you to help me find my father.” Liv said.

“How would I do that?” Rafael asked.

“I don't know, like records and stuff.”

“Do you have his social security number, name, or anything like that?”

“No.” she shook her head.

“So what do you think we’re going to do?”

“You're smart Barba…figure something out.”

“What about your birth certificate? Most birth certificates list both parents and they're a matter of public record.”

“He's not on there.” Liv shook her head.

“What about a marriage license? Were your parents married?”

“I don’t think so. I've never met him so if they were they would’ve split before I was born.”

“We can check marriage licenses, they're public record too. If he hurt her she could’ve pressed charges so there might be a police record.”

“Are they public record too?”

“Sort of. Juvenile stuff would be hard to find but if it was assault or something, we might be able to find it.”

“Would you help me?” Liv asked.

“I guess so. I can't let it interrupt my schoolwork though. I need to make straight As and Bs.”

“I won't let it, I promise. We can go to the public library on Monday. Maybe the Hall of Records will have something.”

“We’ll start at the library.” Rafael said. “I'm not even sure if New York City has an official Hall of Records. That sounds like something from TV.”

“I appreciate this.”

Rafael had no idea why he was helping her but felt like it was the right thing to do. He hoped Olivia didn’t find out something too horrible, what if her dad was a serial killer or something? Still, it wasn’t right for parents to hide things like that from their kids. They did it because they thought it would protect them or it was easier or right but that was never how the kids felt. 

Teens, and even littler kids, were stronger than they looked and they took to truth much better than lies. He knew Liv’s mom was an alcoholic and issues with her dad may have caused that. Maybe there was another side to the story. She deserved to know.

“Can we call it even on the Trevor thing though?” he asked. “I don’t know if I'm gonna be able to scratch up $25. My dad’s hours got cut at work and things are even tighter than usual.”

“We’re good, Barba. Honestly Connie broke more of a sweat than I did getting info on Langan.”

“OK. I gotta go, I'm glad you're alright.”

“Thanks.” Liv got up to walk him to the door. They were halfway there when Elizabeth walked in.

“Who's your friend?” she asked smiling.

“Rafael Barba.” He extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, ma'am.”

“You too, Rafael.”

“I just came over to drop some homework off to Olivia. I was glad to see her back in school today.”

“You can at ease, soldier.” Liz said. “I was 16 once too and no boy I knew was ever as sweet faced as you're being right now.”

“He's the real deal, Aunt Liz.” Liv pointed to Rafael. “I've tried to corrupt him a few times but…no dice.”

“It’s true.” He nodded.

“Have a good evening, Rafael.” Liz said, walking up the stairs.

“Goodnight.”

“I’ll see you on Monday, Barba.” Liv said. “You're going to be able to go to the library right?”

“Yeah, but I’ll only have an hour.” Rafael said.

“We’ll make it work. See ya.”

“Bye.”

***

“Hey, green eyes.”

Rafael looked up from his history textbook and smiled. All six feet and five inches of Trevor Langan was standing in front of him. He was smiling too.

“Hey.”

“How ya doing, Rafael?”

“I'm OK.”

“Is this your study hall period?” Trevor asked.

“Yeah.” Rafael nodded. “I didn’t want to take an art class or an extra language. Since I have a first period I was able to take library time.”

“What are you working on now?”

“AP History. I have a test next week on the Civil Rights Movement. Things are just moving too fast. I've got the debate things, tests, college applications are coming to my house every day from schools I've never even heard of, and somehow I've fallen to third in our class. My mother is probably saying her Hail Marys right now on that one.”

“How come I never noticed that we have like three classes together?”

“I don't know.” Rafael shrugged. “I've only been sitting behind and to the right of you in pre-calc for seven months.”

“This might be a strange question but does my hair look OK back there? It never seems to brush down right and the chlorine from swimming doesn’t help at all.”

“It’s OK I think. Um, do you wanna sit down?”

“Thanks.” Trevor took off his backpack and sat across from Rafael at the circular table. He took out a spiral notebook and his Latin III workbook. Ms. Switzer was usually cool with kids just hanging in the library as long as there were no shenanigans. Still, Trevor didn’t want any trouble. “How are you doing in pre-calc?”

“I've got a B right now and I just don’t see pulling it up to an A. I'd rather focus on the classes where my strengths are so I won't slip in them.”

“I can help you…if you want. I'm carrying like a 95 in there now.”

“That’s alright, but thanks.” Rafael said.

“OK.” Trevor nodded. He opened his notebook and they actually studied for a while. Rafael was highlighting and writing down notes but Trevor found himself staring at him. He liked the way he held his pen in his hand and the way it glided across the lined pages. How come he'd never noticed him before that day in the cafeteria? 

Most of the guys at school, with their similar uniforms, didn’t stand out. There were a few who did but none that Trevor was exactly attracted to. Like all schools there were the jocks, the nerds, the bullies, the theater kids…where did Rafael Barba fit into that mix. If he was friends with Rita Calhoun, he was likely an overachiever. She didn’t have time for slackers. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” 

“Have you been at St. Anne’s since your freshman year?”

“Yeah. I got a half scholarship after winning a writing contest in the eighth grade. I had to talk about what being a good Catholic meant to me. It was total bullshit, but my parents were really proud. It was nice to get out of the South Bronx.”

“Is it rough there?” Trevor asked.

“Not as bad as the evening news likes to play it. Still, I'm looking forward to the day I can call Manhattan home. Where do you live?”

“The Upper East Side. My dad teaches at Columbia.”

“Wow, really?”

“He's in the history department.”

“So you're not a scholarship student?” Rafael asked.

“No, I'm a legacy. My great-grandmother, I think it was great-grandmother, went to St. Anne’s when it was still a girl’s school. My grandmother went here and my mother did as well. It didn’t even allow boys in until 1966 when it merged with St. Paul’s and moved to its current location.”

“Did you know that only 8% of the world’s population has blue eyes?”

“I did.” Trevor smiled and nodded. “It’s quite a recessive gene.”

“I guess us recessive gene guys should stick together.” Rafael said.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, OK. Oh, Connie Rubirosa is on a tear with her petition for the prom. Have you signed it yet?”

He knew that he had but Rafael desperately wanted a way to segue into the conversation. It seemed improbable that even if Trevor was into guys that he was into him. It just seemed improbable that Trevor was into guys at all. Rafael knew a few gay guys who were really deep in the closet. He was too scared to spend time in Manhattan at some of the more gay-friendly and gay safe spaces. 

He would have to go it alone and that was scarier than being in the closet. All he could think about was getting the shit kicked out of him and his parents somehow finding out why. Maybe if someone could take the journey with him it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe if that someone was also someone he could kiss, it would be fantastic.

“I signed it last week. I told her that it’s never going to happen here but I give her an A for effort. Intolerance is still OK under the guise of religion and that kinda makes me sick. My paternal grandmother was a German Lutheran who married an Irish Episcopalian. All that to say fervent religion has never been a big part of my household.”

“More people are coming out though. Did you know there is even a national coming out day? I saw it on the news.”

“I didn’t know.” Trevor shook his head.

“It was founded in 1988 by Robert Eichberg and Jean O’Leary. They picked October 11th because it was the one-year anniversary of a big gay rights march on Washington.”

“You saw this on the news?”

“I was watching Peter Jennings a couple of weeks ago. I watch him every night if I'm home.”

“Me too. Sometimes, don’t tell anyone this, I record him so I can watch it later.”

“You're really into the news.” Rafael laughed.

“Not entirely.” Trevor laughed too. “You're interesting.”

“Thanks. You're kinda interesting too.”

“I'm figuring you signed Connie’s petition.” Trevor said.

“I did.” Rafael nodded. “I sort of agree that nothing is gonna change at St. Anne’s today but who knows about a decade from now. Those kids might be louder than us; braver, stronger.”

“Probably meaner too.”

“Oh there are some real mean kids here now.” Rafael said. “I think that’s a prerequisite for high school. This place can be the pits if you're a little different. I'm sure you don’t have that problem.”

“Why would you think I wouldn’t?” Trevor asked.

“Look at you.” Rafael pointed to Trevor with his whole hand.

“What about me?”

“Oh c'mon, you have money, you're really good looking, you're on the swim team…do the math.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t have problems.”

“I didn’t say that. I said high school wasn’t one of them.”

“Maybe.” Trevor shrugged. “But you're not so bad looking yourself, Barba.”

“I haven’t hit my stride yet but I feel it’s gonna happen soon. I’ll get rid of the chub, maybe buy some chinos at The Gap, and get a haircut like Chandler from Friends.”

Trevor laughed. He covered his mouth so he wouldn’t bring too much attention to their table. He could see Rafael living that life. He seemed to have a quick wit and a sharp tongue. It just felt so weird that he'd never had a conversation with him until today. He was glad he asked to sit down. To think when Trevor first saw him sitting there he was going to walk by as if he didn’t.

“Hey, do you want to get some pizza sometime?” Trevor asked. “I don't know, hang out or something?”

“Um,” Rafael cleared his throat. He looked down at his textbook as if it held the answer to his question. “Sure.”

“I mean only if you want…no pressure or anything.”

“I want to.” Rafael nodded. He managed to look into Trevor’s mesmerizing blue eyes. “Yeah, I do, it sounds like a plan.”

“Cool.” Trevor smiled. The bell rang and he went to put his books in his bag. He hadn’t done any Latin but didn’t really care. Standing up from the chair, he threw his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll see you in Chemistry later, OK.”

“OK.” Rafael watched him go and couldn’t even believe what had happened. Trevor Langan asked him out. It wasn’t like a date or anything but he asked him if he wanted to hang. How many ways could he have messed that up? How on earth had he managed not to? Smiling to himself, Rafael packed his bag too. He was going to have to power walk if he didn’t want to be late for history.

***

“I can't do it anymore.” Liv said. She was looking in the mirror and putting on red lipstick.

“So we’re done hiding in the last stall.” Declan smirked. “Good to know.”

“I just put the do not enter—need to clean sign out there. Nobody’s gonna come in. My mom found two joints in my pocket and went ape shit. I had to leave home for a few days so everyone could calm down. I have enough to deal with, I'm not dealing with that.”

“I feel you.” Declan nodded as he took the large baggie from her and put it in his backpack. “Just let me know if you ever want to help out again. I got a little delivery service and I do good work up in your area. You would get 30% of the purchase price.”

“I’ll think about it.” Liv said.

“What are you getting so dolled up for? Don’t you have English next period?”

“I'm getting dolled up cuz you're going to take my picture for my new ID today, right?”

“Yeah. This harsh ass lighting will probably age you some as well. I think they do this to women on purpose. My mother only has sconces at our house.”

“How do I look?” Liv turned to face Declan. 

She’d put some loose curls in her hair that morning. She toned down the eyeliner a bit but still did the lashes. A smoky gray eyeshadow completed the look. She changed out of her red blazer and gold shirt and put on a red and black sequined top she stole from her godmother. Normally she wouldn’t be seen in something like that but clothes could make a person look older too. Standing in front of a bare gray wall, Declan took four pictures.

“I’ll choose the best one and have your ID in a week. I appreciate what you’ve done for me these last few months so you know, if you need anything…”

“I'm good, but thanks.”

“Cool. Later Olivia.”

“Bye.”

When Declan walked out, Olivia changed back into her uniform. She wiped the lipstick off and just put on some Chapstick and clear gloss. She didn’t have time to redo her eyeliner so the way her face looked now would have to do for the rest of the day. Leaving the bathroom, Olivia figured she’d take the consequences of coming into English class late. Ms. Linden was one of the more laidback teachers at St. Anne’s. She’d take a detention before another demerit.

“Hey Olivia.”

She heard her name, turned around, and saw Ed Tucker coming toward her.

“Edward, from the clan Tucker,” she put on a smile. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I haven’t seen you in a while.” Ed’s tone was nonchalant. “I'm seeing you now so I'm saying hey.”

“That’s it?”

“A guy can't say hey?”

“Hey Ed.” Her voice dripped in sarcasm as she waved at him. “See ya later.”

“Wait, damn.” He held up his hand. “I hate beating around the bush and all that silly shit. I'm not that good when it comes to small talk. Wanna go on the prom?”

“Huh?” the question stopped her in her tracks.

“Do you want to go on the prom?” he asked again.

“With you?”

“Well I damn sure didn’t come to ask for someone else, Liv.”

“On one condition.” She said, walking a few steps closer to him.

“Name it.”

“You gotta rent a sweet ass sports car.” Liv said.

“I can do that.”

“And this is not a guarantee for sex in any way, shape, or form, Ed.”

“I reserve the right to see if I might be allowed second base access.” He said. “No pressure or anything, just the use of my natural charm.”

“So noted.” She nodded.

“So you wanna go?”

“I guess.” She hid her smile. “You're not that cute, you know?”

“I do alright. You do better.”

“Whatevs.” Liv rolled her eyes. “I gotta get to class.”

“See ya later.”

She waved as she walked in the other direction to the stairwell. Her mother would be over the moon about this. Serena was forcing Olivia to go to the prom. She told her a million times that it wasn’t her thing; she had zero interest. Serena insisted she would wake up in her 40s and regret it. 

Liv didn’t give a shit. Then she said that if Olivia didn’t go to prom she wasn’t going to allow her to go on the junior class trip. That sucked. She didn’t even like many people in her class but her, Connie, and Casey Novak made plans to bust it up at Colonial Williamsburg as soon as they found out that’s where it was gonna be. She would have no choice but to go now. 

To get back at her mother, Liv said she wasn’t taking a date and that was the end of that. She didn’t need any of these guys out here putting her in a position that she would have to fight her way out of. Serena accepted that, saying she could get her picture taken with the cutest guy there and it would be better anyway. Now here she was with a date. She would be sure to hem and haw about it to her mother but for some reason Olivia couldn’t stop smiling. 

She never wanted to like Ed Tucker…he could be a pompous prick of a dude. But that was only sometimes. Other times he was clever and attractive and kinda badass. He was a blue collar guy with close buzzed hair (he admitted to her he was going prematurely gray) and a nice pair of blue eyes. 

He also respected her. He would kid with her, push her just as far as he knew he could, but he never went over the line. Olivia didn’t need a boyfriend, an admirer, or anything like that. She could keep things casual with Ed. Casual was good.

“Well, well, well, look who's in the hall after the bell without a hall pass.” 

Liv froze when she heard his voice. There wasn’t the best lighting in this stairwell so she didn’t immediately see him. She turned frantically until she saw the person matching the voice.

“Last time I checked you weren't a hall monitor, Lewis.” She kept walking while trying to keep her eye on him.

“I'm just an observer…and you're the one I'm observing right now.”

“You better watch those eyes before I blacken one of them.”

“I thought we had the conversation about you being nicer to me.”

“We didn’t.” she shook her head. “And don’t bother.”

“Karma’s a motherfucker, Olivia. Didn’t anyone teach you that?”

“Just stay away from me.” She sighed. “God, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

She took the rest of the steps two at a time and quickly got out of the stairwell. She hated that guy. He was a creep and that was bad enough but he also scared her. Whenever he was close, her blood would go cold. He was like one of those evil beings in a movie. 

Sometimes she felt like she was the only one who knew how dangerous William Lewis really was. One day he was going to hurt someone, if he hadn’t already. The next time he bothered her Olivia was going to seriously consider macing him. She might get a demerit but at least he would be out of her face. She wasn’t going to be able to shake the feeling of ants crawling all over for the rest of the day.

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid. She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean. It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this story but it will not be written about in graphic detail. I still thought it deserved some kind of trigger warning as its not usually something I write about.
> 
> This is my first official AU in this fandom. AUs are my favorite to write, I love throwing the characters into circumstances completely different from canon and seeing if their personalities still shine through. As it is with all AUs through many fandoms, the characters you read about will have been on Law and Order: SVU sometime in the past 17 seasons. That’s a lot of characters but I mostly stick to ones that would be familiar even to the casual watcher.

“I don’t really remember.” Serena shook her head. She held back her tears as she sipped her tea. There was no use trying to fool Liz, there was bourbon in it.

“I know you don’t. But it happened Serena, you hurt your daughter.”

“I was so angry when I saw those joints in her pocket. I'm not bleeding myself dry sending her to St. Anne’s for her to end up strung out or pregnant.”

“Do you really think that a couple of joints is going to leave Olivia strung out?” Liz asked. “Don’t you think that the parental abuse and neglect would be more of a factor.”

“Don’t tell me how to raise my child.” Serena’s voice got dark. “I do not abuse Olivia.”

“I've been listening to that for 16 years and I'm not going to anymore. You're an alcoholic, you have a problem, and it’s destroying your child. She's afraid to come home, Serena.”

“You keep her then.” Serena waved off the notion. “You keep her and then tell me that it’s easy, Liz. She breaks curfew and does drugs and God knows what else. All she wants to do is listen to that moody ass music and make my life miserable.”

“She gets good grades, I've seen her studying. Olivia is a good kid…I don’t understand where this is coming from.”

“Can you just keep her…for a little while? I know that I need to get myself together, I've been drinking more than usual and it’s getting out of control. I can't do all of that and have her too. I'm going on sabbatical next semester, I think I need to travel and get out of this prison that I put myself in.”

“Motherhood?” Liz asked, unable to hide her sarcasm.

“I can understand if you don’t want the burden, Liz.” Serena shook her head. “Some days its hell on earth. I can't date, I can't travel; I can't have my own life. I'd probably be farther along on the tenure track too if I didn’t have to devote so much time to a child.”

“I’ll take her.” Liz rolled her eyes so she wouldn’t cry. She had loved Olivia from the moment she came out of her mother’s womb. Liz couldn’t have children. She'd made her peace with that a long time ago and made the decision not to raise one on her own after her husband walked out. 

She had a goddaughter in this world; that would be good enough. To see Serena barely break a sweat in trying to shake off the so-called shackles of her child pissed her off. “We’ll come over tomorrow and pick up some of her things. I want her to have as many comforts as she can at my place.”

“No take backs.” Serena pointed at her and smirked.

“That’s not funny.”

“I appreciate you though.” She grabbed her best friend’s hand. “If you weren't here to do this I would have no alternative. I’d just pack and leave…I can't take it anymore.”

“I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here for Olivia’s sake.” Liz probably should’ve intervened years ago. She and Serena had some barn burners about it in the past. She didn’t want to lose access to Liv though. How could she help, even a little, if Serena shut her out of their lives? Liz did the best she could, which wasn’t good enough. That guilt sometimes ate her alive.

“You should stay and have dinner.” Serena smiled. “I made the most amazing Shepherd’s pie the other night; you would love it.”

“I need to get home.” Liz stood from the kitchen table. She took a deep breath. “Serena, I want you to get help. I want you to be better. A long time ago, I promised to be there for Olivia if ever you couldn’t be and I will hold that promise. She's going to be alright.”

“Do you care more about her than me?” Serena asked.

“I care about you both. I'm making sacrifices for you both. Enjoy your evening OK?”

Elizabeth walked out of there as fast as she could without running. There had been many ups and downs in the Benson home but she never thought it would come to this. Serena was giving Liv away. How was she going to explain that to the teenager? She was tired of prettying up Serena’s ugly moments but there was no way she would let her anger and resignation hurt Liv. 

There were a couple of phone banks at the corner and Liz stopped to use one. She wiped the receiver off with her coat, they were like germ factories, dropped in a quarter, and dialed her own home. She wasn’t even sure that Olivia would answer. Still feeling like a guest she really didn’t feel the need to pick up the phone.

“Hello, Donnelly residence.”

“Liv, its Aunt Liz. I'm on my way home and was going to pick up dinner. What are you in the mood for?”

“Popeye’s.” Liv replied.

“I guess we’re going to have to work on making sure you're eating more nutritious meals in the near future.”

“We are?”

“Yeah, kid, we are. I’ll bring Popeye’s tonight though.”

“Thanks Aunt Liz.”

“Are you doing your homework?” Liz asked.

“Yeah, I'm working on French now. I didn’t get home till after four…Rafael and I were at the library.”

“Well I should be home in 20 minutes or so. See you then.”

“Bye.”

000

“Making a grocery list is pretty simple.” Liv said as she and Liz sat down in the den to eat. “You're single so…by the way Aunt Liz, I think you should get a cat. It’s just you so you don’t need much food. It’s like cereal, milk, lunchmeat, bagels, cherry tomatoes, and wine. Maybe chicken, olive oil, and some rice too, for the nights you don’t want to eat on the town.”

“I wanted to talk to you about that.” Liz said. She had not gone to Popeye’s for herself as Liz usually didn’t eat fried foods. She stopped at her favorite little burger dive and got the honey mustard chicken on a honey wheat bun with waffle fries.

“OK.”

“I went to talk to your mom tonight, you already knew that. We both decided it might be best for you to stay with me for a little while.”

“What's a little while?”

“I'm not sure.” Liz replied. “Your mom wants, and needs, to put the focus on getting better. She doesn’t think she can do that and be the mother you need at the same time. She asked me to step up and I did.”

“So mom’s shoving me off to get better?” Liv couldn’t hide her skepticism. “OK.”

“She's taking a sabbatical next semester from Hudson to get herself together. I think she means it this time, Liv.”

“I'm happy for her.”

“And you don’t have to worry about a thing. You can stay here, go to school; everything is going to be alright.”

‘Thanks Aunt Liz.”

“We do need to establish some ground rules though.” Liz said.

“I was hoping I'd be allowed to run amok but your plan is good too.”

“Mmm hmm.” Liz smiled. She knew Olivia’s sarcasm was a defense mechanism. Most teenagers had it anyway, Liv had enough for her entire class at St. Anne’s. “Curfew on weeknights would be ten and midnight on the weekends. 

“I don’t want a bunch of kids I don’t know all over my house, Liv, so we make a small list and I meet them all individually. If I catch you drinking or doing any drugs I'm not going to be nice about it. Keep your room reasonably clean, wash your dishes and clothes, and keep your grades up. I think that’s about it.”

“Well I don’t really have friends except for Connie, Casey, and sometimes Rafael…you met him already. Fin and I hang out after school sometimes and Bayard is my go-to guy for school stuff I don’t know so he might come around sometimes. Oh, and maybe Ed.”

“Who’s Ed?” Liz asked.

“He's this guy that I don’t like but kinda like. He asked me on the junior prom; we hooked up a couple of times. I probably should’ve left that part out.”

“Hooking up is normal amongst teenagers. Speaking of, have you had the talk yet?”

“Oh my god, Aunt Liz, nooooo!”

“It’s important.”

“I know the drill. Always use condoms, no exceptions. If I'm sexually active I need to see a gynecologist yearly or if anything feels funny. No means no, no exceptions. Et cetera, et cetera.”

“Are you sexually active?” Liz didn’t want to know but she needed to know. 

Olivia was her responsibility. The last thing she needed was for something to happen to her while she was in her care. She was a teenager after all, and at the end of the day kids did what they wanted to. She was sure Olivia wouldn’t tell her the complete truth but they needed to establish a few things.

“Do we have to talk about this?” Liv sighed.

“I can't stress the importance.”

“OK, I'm still a virgin…this is so embarrassing. Ed and I hooked up a couple of times and I had a sort of boyfriend in my freshman year but we never went all the way. Other than that, I pay very little attention to boys. I've got better things to do.”

“What about girls?” Liz asked.

“Nah, I'm pretty straight.”

“Pretty straight?”

“Yeah.” Liv nodded.

“Alright.” Liz nodded. “I'm going to ask, from time to time, not just about your sex life. I want to know how you’re doing, Olivia, and I want you to know that you can talk to me. It won't always be easy but it’s for the best. I can't take care of you if you hide things from me, OK?”

“Yeah.”

“You're going to be OK, staying here with me?”

“I’ll be OK.”

Liv didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter anyway. Where else was she going to go? As far as she knew her mother was her only relative. It was either Aunt Liz’s house or some kind of home for wayward girls. Those places probably didn’t even exist anymore. 

She did want her mom to get better, to get to a place where she didn’t hate herself and surely didn’t hate Olivia. She just wasn’t sure that any of this was about that. Serena found a way to get rid of her daughter and she took it. Liv should’ve felt free; the last few months had been hellish. But instead she felt abandoned. It was a feeling she was used to and one that she hated with all of her heart.

***

“So you live here now?” Rafael asked. He shook up his bottle of orange juice, opened it, and drank half of it. He and Liv were sitting on the front steps of her godmother’s house.

“For a while, I guess.” She shrugged. “My mom is supposedly trying to get her life together and she can't do that and have me around so…” Liv said. “I went over there with three boxes and two suitcases, packed what I could, and didn’t look back. I really wish I could just find my dad.”

“I've tried everything I can think of. With no name, not even a relative’s name, it’s kinda hard. I know it’s been two weeks, Liv. I know you wanted more than this.”

“On those adoption specials on TV it takes some people years. Two weeks is just a drop in the bucket. I wish my mom would just tell me who he is. I could figure out the rest on my own. It’s just one more thing she won't let me have.”

“I've got one more thing I wanna try.” Rafael said. “I'm not sure it’s going to work but I'm going to try anyway.”

“What is it?”

“Police records. If something bad happened between your parents then the police may have been involved. In the 80s they didn’t treat domestic abuse like they do now but there still might be a report. If there is a report, there's a record. Your dad’s name would have to be on it.”

“How would you even know when to look?” Liv asked.

“Its simple math. You think your parents split up before you were born or when you were really young. So we look at police records from a year before your birth until a year after. If it’s there, we’ll find it.”

“I don’t think files going back that far are computerized. Aunt Liz always complains about police evidence lockers and how everything is a mess.”

“Most of the records would be paper.” Rafael said. “I have someone who I think can help us.”

“You know cops?” Liv raised an eyebrow.

“I hate cops.” Rafael shook off the willies. “Let's just say I have a friend of a friend. I won't reveal anything you told me in confidence, I promise.”

“I haven’t told you anything…I don’t know anything. If your friend of a friend can help us then I'm grateful.”

“Liv, I just don’t want you to be disappointed if this turns out bad.”

“What do you mean?” she looked at him as she pulled a pack of cloves from the satchel beside her on the steps. 

Not that she did it every day, but there was going to be no weed smoking at Aunt Liz’s house. She'd replaced the habits with cloves, introduced to her by Casey Novak. This brand was Russian and Liv had come to enjoy the black cherry and cherry vanilla flavors. They were more expensive than cigarettes but she heard they were safer.

“Well maybe your mom kept this from you because your dad is a serial killer or he has a whole other family living in Duluth or something. Once you know, you’ll always know.”

“Yeah.” Liv nodded. “He’s my dad, Barba. 50% of him went into making me. Maybe she loved him, maybe she hated him; I don't know. That’s all I'm trying to find out. What if he looks like me? What if he's a track star or went to like Yale or something? Maybe they did have an affair and he wants nothing to do with me. I’ll deal with that bridge if we get there. I deserve to know his name. OK?”

“OK.” Rafael nodded. 

“Thanks for doing all of this. I never saw it coming but you’ve been a real pal; a pal and a confidante.” She sang the last part.

“You're planning on throwing a party?” he asked with a little grin. “Inviting everyone you knew?” he sang the last part too.

“Cute.” Liv knocked his shoulder with her own.

“Hey, I know this might sound weird but…”

“Coming from you, Barba, probably not.”

“Anyway…do you have a prom date?”

“I'm going with Ed Tucker.” Liv replied.

“Ed Tucker, the vending machine murderer.” Rafael looked at her.

“That was an isolated incident. He's cool.”

“For real?”

“I kinda like him, OK.” Liv sighed. “Not like him, like him, but, I don't know, he's cool OK.”

“OK, OK.” He held up his hands. “I was going to ask you, as a friend. It’s down to the wire and I don’t have a date. I might end up having to take my cousin or something.”

“Please don’t do that.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice. I don’t want to be known as the kid who had to take his cousin on the prom, Liv. I have enough problems.”

“Who have you asked?”

“I don’t know who to ask. I'm not good with that whole ask a girl out thing.”

“What about Rita?” Liv asked. “I know you two are friends.”

“She's going with George Huang…they made some kind of pact.”

“What about one of the girls from your neighborhood? It doesn’t have to be a girl from St. Anne’s.”

“A lot of the South Bronx girls intimidate me. That’s embarrassing but it’s really true. Once, in the seventh grade…no, nevermind. My mom says she can find me a nice girl but I can't let that happen. I cannot let that happen, Olivia please.”

“I'd suggest Connie but she cornered Mike Cutter like a week ago. Fin knows a lot of girls, I can ask him who doesn’t have a date yet.”

“No girl interested in Fin Tutuola would go on a date with me.” Rafael said.

“It’s not a real date, it’s the prom.” Liv reasoned. “You go, dance to bad music, drink punch, take pictures, and go home. Proms are only awesome in movies and TV, never in real life. No one is running into Blaine’s arms in the parking lot for the big kiss. Speaking of Blaine…”

“How were we possibly?”

“Have you talked to Trevor again?”

“We had pizza on Thursday.” Rafael smiled. He tried to hide it but there was really no use. “I met up with him after swim practice. Liv, he smelled like chlorine and heaven. He smelled like I always imagined those Calvin Klein models in those ridiculous perfume ads smell. We talked about Hitchcock and Crowded House.”

“You like Crowded House but not Simple Minds?” Liv shook her head. “Why do I even like you?”

“Trevor is taking Alexandra Cabot on the prom.” He ignored her question. “She's really popular.”

“Yeah, she is. Are they doing it?”

“He says they're just friends.” Rafael replied.

“Do you believe him?”

“Since he took me into a bathroom stall and kissed me, I think I'm willing to do that.”

“Oh my god!” Liv jumped up from the steps. She jumped up and down, smacking Rafael’s shoulders. “Oh my god, why didn’t you tell me? Did he swear you to secrecy or something?”

“No, he didn’t. I liked having it to myself. I go to bed every night thinking about it.”

“Did you see fireworks and all that junk?”

“You don’t believe in that.” Rafael glanced at her.

“Not really, but I've heard that people have. Give me the deets, Barba. Is he a good kisser?”

“Yes.” Rafael laughed in spite of himself. “I've kissed a few people in my life but this was really amazing. It was like that scene in the movie that you're waiting for, you know it’s coming but it takes so long that you start to think it’s never going to get there…and then it happens.”

“Sweet.” Liv nodded. “Swimmer boy kissed you, that’s pretty awesome.”

“He said he couldn’t help it, he had been thinking about it for a while. I still think I dreamed it sometimes.”

“I wanna take some kind of credit for this.”

“I'm sure you do.” Rafael smirked.

“I'm gonna get you a prom date, Barba. I’ll get you a date and you can see Trevor there and maybe, just maybe, you'll get your parking lot kiss. In life, I think we all deserve that one John Hughes moment.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” he smiled just thinking about it. 

Rafael rarely equated his life with anything that happened to a bunch of attractive 20 something people pretending to be teenagers in the movies. When it came to the Trevor thing it was probably better to keep his feet on the ground but he just couldn’t help it. Rafael was falling for him, felt like he deserved his moment like so many other teenagers had theirs. It wasn’t wrong or gross, it was wonderful. He wanted to enjoy every moment of it. All the complicated stuff was coming; that train was never late. For now it was awesome and he would bask it in.

***

“Hey, Benson!”

Liv closed her locker some and looked down the hallway. It was the end of the day, once again a mad rush for lockers and exits but she saw Ed Tucker walking her way. She hid her smile and went back to what she was doing.

“Hey.” He said again as he leaned on the locker next to hers. “Hey Connie.”

“Hey Ed. I gotta go, Liv, I got practice. Do you know what you're wearing on Friday night?”

“Oh yeah, my Fontanelle tee shirt, black tights, and my yellow Docs. I've had the outfit for weeks.”

“I'm not too sure yet but I think I’ll figure it out tonight. I’ll call you.”

“OK. See ya.”

“Bye. Bye Ed.”

He waved as Connie walked away. Then he smiled at Liv.

“What, Tucker?”

“I've been thinking about something. I think we should go out before the prom, you know, like a test run or something.”

“A test run?” she raised an eyebrow and closed her locker. 

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“If you wanna ask me out, just ask me out. You don’t have to treat it like a science experiment.”

“The last time I asked you out, you said no.”

“Maybe I didn’t want to at the time.” She said.

“Well maybe guys don’t like getting turned down fifty times either.” Ed said.

“You’ve got 49 more tries before giving up. I never pegged you as a quitter, Ed Tucker.”

“You are…” Ed laughed and rolled his eyes. “Fine, do you wanna go out this weekend?”

“OK.” Liv smiled. “See, it wasn’t that hard.”

“I guess not so much.” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

“Connie, Casey, and I are going to the Babes in Toyland show on Friday night but I'm free on Saturday. What did you have in mind?”

“A movie.” Ed shrugged. “We can go to a movie, get something to eat afterward, and I’ll take you home. There may, or may not, be a goodbye kiss.”

“I get to pick the movie.” Liv said.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Cool, OK. So we’ll meet up at 6 o’clock.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. It’s nice to know that you won't shrivel up and die being nice to me.”

“Whatevs.”

Ed grinned. He was going to walk away but Liv stopped him. William Lewis was coming down the hall, most people moving out of his way as he did. She sighed and held the sleeve of Ed’s St. Anne’s sports jacket.

“Can you stay for a minute?” she asked. “William Lewis is coming and he gives me the creeps. I know he's going to say something to me…he never misses a chance.”

“Yeah, OK.” He nodded. “I could beat the shit out of him if you want me to.”

“Really?”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Do you know how many demerits that would get you?” Liv asked. “You’d probably be suspended and wouldn’t even be allowed to go on prom. He isn't worth that.”

“If he's bothering you, I can handle that.”

“I can take care of myself, Ed. You're not my boyfriend or my knight in shining whatever. Just stand here and look like you always look. He’ll probably keep walking.”

“Hey, Olivia.” Lewis slowed down as soon as he got close to her. He'd been watching her the whole time he walked up the hall. “Nice to see you showing a little skin today. It’s a good look for you.”

“Fuck off, Lewis.” She said wanting to cover her bare legs from his beady eyes. The weather was changing, she didn’t have to wear tights with her school uniform anymore.

“You heard her,” Ed said. “Keep walking, pasty.”

“I'm not a vending machine, Tucker.” Lewis looked at Ed. “I'm not afraid of you.”

“Good, the feeling is mutual. Just walk away before you wish you had.”

Lewis leaned in close to Ed to whisper. Ed hated the guy, and his breath stank, but he wasn’t going to move back just yet. He really wasn’t afraid of Lewis but he also knew the kid wasn’t right in the head. If you let a sociopath get physically close to you, you usually came to regret it. Ed’s dad was a cop so he knew that was the truth.

“Dude, you're chasing a cat that’s already climbed a lot of trees.” Lewis said. “Bet she won't even purr for you, bro.”

“Motherfucker!”

“Ed!” Liv grabbed his collar as he went for Lewis.

Lewis cackled, jumping back out of his reach. Then he gave them a peace sign and ran away.

“Coward!” Ed called after him.

“Don’t let him get to you.” Liv said. “Don’t give him the satisfaction.”

“How long has he been bothering you?” Ed turned to look at her. He did his best to relax his stance. He was so much like his father, he really could be an intimidating figure when he wanted to be. 

Six foot tall, lean and muscular, he wasn’t to be messed with. He never wanted to intimidate Olivia. He did want her to answer the question though. “I mean how long has he really been bothering you, not just leering like he does to every girl who goes to school here?”

“I don't know.” Liv shrugged. “It probably started in January.”

“Four months and you never said a word?”

“To who, Dodds? Like he'd give a shit.”

“I mean to me, Liv, or one of your other male friends. I'm not saying that you can't defend yourself, I promise. That guy’s a psycho though.”

“It was after that stupid assembly on fire safety.” Liv said. “He was harassing a group of freshman girls like two rows behind me and Connie. He was just being gross and two of the girls were practically in tears. I turned around and handed him his ass. Some people laughed, they were the same people who’d done nothing to help those girls. Since I embarrassed him he's been gunning for me. One day I caught him following me home.”

“What!”

“Ed!”

“OK, OK, I'm not mad.” He put his hands up and clicked his jaw. “No, fuck that, I am so mad right now…but not at you. Liv, I'm going to kick the shit out of him. If he comes anywhere near you again, his teeth are going down his throat.”

“He's all talk and no action. He gets scared when someone stands up to him, especially a girl. Most just run in the other direction, not that I can blame them.”

“That’s the thing about animals though, they cower sometimes but when their backs hit the wall they strike. Following you home is stalker behavior. Remember that actress in California; you have to take stuff like this seriously.”

“Yeah, I know.” Liv nodded. She knew that Lewis was a creep. She didn’t think he was going to do anything to her, physically, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t get a kick out of scaring and intimidating her. Liv didn’t intend to bite the bait. Guys like him smelled fear and she would make damn sure he never smelled it coming from her direction. “If you're so worried about me, you can take the train home with me.”

“I thought you walked home.” Ed said.

“I'm staying with my Aunt for a while. She lives on the Upper West Side.”

“Swanky.”

“It really is. C'mon, let's just get out of here.”

“Can I put my arm around you on the train?” Ed asked as they walked toward the stairwell. Liv’s locker was on the third floor.

“No.” she shook her head

“A guy won't know if he doesn’t ask.”

***

“Rafael?”

“Yes ma'am?” Rafael looked up from his class notes at the librarian. Rita was sitting across from him but paid no attention.

“Could you come to my office please? I think I have that information you were looking for.”

“Oh yes, ma'am.”

“What was that about?” Rita asked as Ms. Switzer walked away. “It sounded like a bad pick up line.”

“The librarian is not trying to pick me up.” He said.

“I know, that’s why I wanted to know what that was about.”

“I asked Ms. Switzer about some first editions that might be out of print but might not be. She said she was going to look it all up for me. She has a connection at the Library of Congress or something.”

“She couldn’t tell you that stuff in front of me? There's no need to be secretive about it.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Rafael got up and headed to the librarian’s office. It was behind the checkout counter and few people were allowed back there. When he was a freshman he spent his study hour helping out with books and the card catalog. He was one of the few students who had access. When he walked into the office, Ms. Switzer asked him to close the door.

“Sit down, Rafael.”

He did as she told him. She was holding a white envelope in her hand but placed it flat on her desk.

“I had my friend look up the information you wanted on Serena Benson. It was a very unconventional request and he really shouldn’t have been doing it.”

“I don’t want to get you or your friend in trouble, ma'am. I'm just trying to help a friend of mine.”

“I know, and I was able to get you a name and not much else. At least your friend will have some place to start.”

“I really appreciate this.” Rafael said.

“Take this envelope.” Ms. Switzer handed it to him. “I really hope this helps your friend.”

“Thank you, ma'am.”

Rafael smiled and left the office. He went back to his table and stuffed it in his backpack. Opening the envelope wasn’t something he wanted to do. It was Liv’s business and she should be the one who read it. 

At least with a name she could look up records or something. Her parents hadn’t been married; that much they knew. Perhaps her dad had been married to someone else or he was a serial killer. Either way, Rafael would only know if Olivia wanted to share that information with him.

“Did you get your books?” Rita asked, barely glancing up from her Latin work.

“A couple of them. I think if I really want a first edition Nabokov I'm going to have to rob a bank.”

“Surely.” Now she looked at him.

“I probably should’ve taken Latin this year too.” Rafael said. “It would’ve looked good on my transcripts.”

“It’s like the ninth gate of hell and pretty cool all wrapped in one. I'm pulling a B right now but I need to go harder. If I don’t get an A than Alex Cabot could jump ahead of me in the class rankings. You could slide down to 4 or 5.”

“I'm OK with that.” He said. “It took some time but I'm not going to let it get to me.”

“How?” Rita asked.

“Top 5 is bearable. The top 5 is still going to get into some of the best schools in the country; the top 10 will I'm sure. My parents would be proud of me and know that their $900 a year, which isn't easy to come by, was put to good use.”

“It’s valedictorian or bust for me, baby.”

“We have another year, Rita.” He smirked. “Aim high.”

“What colleges are you looking at?” she asked.

“There are so many and they all want so much money for the privilege of applying. I'm taking the SATs on Saturday, my mom is telling my grandma that I’ll probably get into Harvard. I'm telling her to stop saying that. I can't think that far ahead.”

“You better…I bet Alex Cabot is. I know George Huang is; Stanford is his first choice. He's top 5 too and if you don’t think he's trying to get that top spot…”

“It’s too much pressure.” He shook his head.

It really was. Rafael was staying up later and later completing assignments. He studied so hard and barely had a life outside of school. He knew next year would be even tougher as the top 10% of his class of 124 students would get into a grudge match to see who came out on top. Apparently Rita Calhoun had already come out of her corner practicing jabs.

“My parents want me to go to Princeton.” She said. “But it’s in, like, New Jersey, so I don’t think that’s going to happen. I've been looking at Brown but they have this whole relaxed thing where professors are called by their first names and classes aren’t worth credits, or some ridiculous thing. I might go Seven Sisters, I think it would be a good fit for me.”

“I can see you at Smith or Vassar.” Rafael said.

“Not Vassar.” Rita shook her head. “Good school, but coed now. Bryn Mawr is a better choice…Katharine Hepburn went there.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to be an actress.”

“Don’t be insane, I want to be a lawyer. I just love her movies.”

Rafael nodded. He smiled when he saw Trevor Langan walking into the library. As cool as always, he stopped to speak to a few people before coming to their table. Rafael was unsure if he’d managed to wipe the stupid grin off his face. He didn’t even care.

“Hey Rita. Hey Rafael.”

“Hey.” Rita was already back into her Latin work.

“Hi.” Rafael said. “You wanna sit with us?”

“Actually,” Trevor lowered his voice. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

“I'm studying.” Rita said.

“I was speaking to your green eyed friend.”

“Oh. Go on then.”

“Do you wanna?” Trevor asked.

“Yeah, OK.” Rafael nodded. He grabbed his backpack and stood up. “See ya later, Rita.”

“Bye.” She hardly paid attention to the two of them walking away.

“Where are we going?” Rafael asked as they stood in the library doorway. Even during study period, no one was allowed to just roam the hallways.

“Anywhere we want. Have you ever cut school before?”

“No. Have you?”

“Once in a while.” Trevor replied. “We all need a break from this sometimes. You wouldn’t be missing anything important like quizzes, would you?”

“No.” Rafael shook his head.

“So let's go. Do you want to?”

Honestly he could’ve asked Rafael if he wanted to go to the end of the world with him and jump off. The answer would’ve been yes. He nodded and Trevor took his hand. They ran down the hall toward what the students called the secret staircase. It wasn’t locked but there were no classes in that small section of the school. 

If you took the stairs all the way down to the first floor it led to a long hallway and an exit by the dumpsters. Random sweeps by administrators had them passing our demerits like Halloween candy and every year there were at least two assemblies on keeping out of there. It usually worked but today was the day it didn’t work for Rafael Barba. And when Trevor stopped him, halfway between the second and first floor, for a passionate kiss…he knew he was a goner.

“I've been thinking about kissing you since the pizza place.” Trevor whispered. “It’s as good as I remember.”

“It’s a shame we had to kinda hook up in a bathroom stall.” Rafael rolled his eyes. “The shadiness of it all.”

“I know a much safer, comfortable place. My father doesn’t usually get home until 7 or so, my mom is out of town, and my little sister doesn’t come home from her afterschool program until five. It’s barely one o’clock now.”

“So you wanna go to your place?”

“Yeah.” Trevor nodded.

“OK.”

So off they went down the long, dark stairs and the hallway on the first floor. The side door wasn’t alarmed though the staff had been threatening to do it for years. Trevor pushed it open and they were both greeted by the rancid smell of multiple dumpsters.

“Gross.” Rafael gripped his stomach. “I feel pukey.”

“Hold your nose and run, we’re almost there.”

He was never the best runner but with Trevor holding his hand, Rafael suddenly felt invincible. They smiled at each other when they reached the front of the school and quickly turned to walk in the other direction before they got caught. The uniforms were a dead giveaway but schools let out early for any number of reasons.

“Where do you live?” Rafael asked. 

He didn’t want to but he slipped his hand out of Trevor’s. There could be trouble if someone on the street saw them holding hands. When Rafael was in middle school he watched a group of men harass two women walking down the street holding hands. They were with a little boy; it was clear they were a family. The men were cursing at them in Spanish, calling them all kinds of slurs. 

A couple of them even spit in their direction. It almost got physical but Mr. Perez, who ran the bodega, didn’t let the mob hurt those women. Homosexuality was still so taboo where he lived. It was something to fear and hate and strike out against. The idea that anyone would want to hurt him, or Trevor, for the amazing things they were feeling right now was insane. The whole world around him was insane.

“East 73rd, right off Park Avenue.” Trevor replied.

“Park Avenue, like where the family on Diff’rent Strokes lived?”

“Yes, that Park Avenue.” He nodded and smiled. “You wanna see my house?”

“Yeah, let's go.”

“We’ll walk up and catch the M4 over on 110th and it'll take us down to East 72nd and 5th. It’s just a couple of blocks over from where I live.”

“Great.” Rafael was grinning. He was probably going to grin so much this afternoon that his face broke. It would be worth it though…he had a feeling it was going to be so worth it.

***

“It’s tooooo early.” Olivia complained as she opened the front door.

“It’s Saturday.” Rafael said.

“I know, and I should still be in bed. Come on in.”

“How do you think I feel?” he followed her back into the den. “I'm coming all the way from the South Bronx. I didn’t mean to interrupt your breakfast.”

“Are you hungry? I can whip you up something really fast. I went to the grocery store a couple of days ago. We have food now.”

“Is your Aunt home?”

“Yeah but she's going out in a couple of hours. Tell me what's up, Barba. I see that hickey is finally fading.”

“Shut up.” He swatted away her hand as Olivia pointed at it.

“You are so cute, you should see your grin. I guess we can say swimmer boy has some vampire tendencies.”

“Tell me how the Babes in Toyland show was.” Rafael wanted to change the subject.

“Man, it was awesome…you can see I'm still hoarse. I sang and screamed and danced and had a blast. I made it back here like 30 seconds before my curfew. Some dudes tried to get us to go to this underground party with them and said there would be X there. I was all like, nah I'm good. 

“But one of them was kinda cute. And I think we got some great pictures last night; Connie had one of those disposable cameras. Because you're supposed to be making memories out of all of these moments and what not. I also have some good news for you my friend…you have a prom date.”

“I do?”

“Casey Novak was gonna go stag but I told her about your problem and she said she would be cool going with you. You know Casey, right?”

“Sort of.” Rafael nodded.

“She's cool and it’s just a friend thing so you'll be fine. This is so much better than having to take a cousin.”

“You don’t need to convince me of that. I’ll talk to her in school on Monday.”

“Now I want to know all about you hooking up with Trevor Langan.” Liv said. “This is so huge and you’ve had that hickey for days and haven’t said a word. I don’t want to think you're holding out on me but at this point you are totally holding out on me.”

“I had other things to take care of.” He said.

“Like what?”

“My friend of a friend got back to me.”

“About my dad?” Liv lowered her voice. Aunt Liz was in the study and she didn’t want her to overhear.

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“Is it bad, Barba? Is he a serial killer?”

“I don't know.” Rafael shrugged.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I didn’t open the envelope.” He unzipped his backpack and took out the white envelope. It had been in there for days but he hadn’t touched it. Something in his gut said it was bad, it was a police report after all, but he never touched it. “It’s not my business. It’s only my business if you tell me.”

“Well gimme, let me end this suspense.”

Liv ripped open the envelope and read the paper. _In April of 1979, eight months before her birth, her mother had reported a sexual assault at Columbia University where she was a student. Two other young women, one at Hudson University and another at Manhattan Tech also reported assaults around the same time. All three assaults were similar and all three women worked in the dining hall at their respective schools_. 

_One woman named Joseph Hollister, a food services salesman, as her attacker but couldn’t be sure upon further interrogation. Mr. Hollister had an alibi for the night in question. He was well-spoken, courteous, spoken highly of by his employer, and in a long term relationship. Let go after his initial questioning, all investigation of Mr. Hollister ceased and the cases are no longer active_.

“Shit.” She mumbled, folding the paper and putting it back in the envelope.

“Is it really bad?” Rafael asked.

“He's not a serial killer. But he might be a rapist.”

“What?”

“Read it yourself.”

She handed him the envelope and Rafael read the letter inside. Three unsolved rapes in the spring of 1979 and he was their only suspect. It seemed like the police had interrogated the victims more than they ever did Joseph Hollister. They made him sound like an angel. Angels didn’t do things that he was accused of.

“No wonder she said she should’ve aborted me.” Olivia frowned as she took the envelope back.

“Your mom said that to you?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah. She didn’t even know the guy, he just attacked her. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“She might have known him. Most people are assaulted by someone they know, even if that person is just an acquaintance. What he did was dead wrong but that doesn’t mean they were complete strangers.”

“What does that matter, Barba? I'm still a rape baby.”

“You are so much more than that. We don’t even know if that dude is your father.”

“Who else could it be? She made the report eight months before I was born. She told me that my father hurt her. This has to be the guy.”

“I'm so sorry, Liv.”

“I wanted to know. Come hell or high water, I had to know. Now I do.”

“What are you gonna do about it?” Rafael asked. He wished he could burn that paper and never have Liv find out something like that. It was no wonder that her mom was so upset, maybe she never got the proper help after that kind of trauma.

“We have a name now, we can find out more about him.” She replied.

“You still want to know this guy?”

“I didn’t say that. But if he is my father, I want to know who he is. If he raped my mom, he's the scum of the earth. I still have 50% of his genes. I don’t even know what he looks like.”

“You're all the way in now, huh?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah.” Liv nodded. “I'm gonna need your help with more computer stuff if you're willing.”

“I can help you. But if it starts to get too bad, we have to get out.”

“How can it be worse?”

“He could still be a serial killer. I'm just saying.”

For some reason Liv laughed. She laughed and it hurt her but it was genuine. She had been so worried her dad was a serial killer and then thought he was probably something completely innocuous like a mailman. Come to find out he was a food services salesman who was most likely a rapist. It made her stomach sick. 

But Rafael was right about something…her parents didn’t have to be strangers. If there was one thing that she'd learned over and over again in sorry excuses for Catholic school sex education lectures, many women were assaulted by boyfriends and male acquaintances. There were a million parts to this story and the information in the envelope was just one part. Liv could dig a little deeper, find out more. She had a name; one part of the mystery was solved.

“I appreciate you helping me on this, Barba. I owe you.”

“No you don’t.” Rafael shook his head. “You helped me with Trevor and got me a prom date. I think we can call it even.”

“Speaking of prom dates, Ed’s taking me to see a movie tonight.”

“So that’s a thing now?”

“No.”

“You're going to the movies, you're going to the prom; it sounds like a thing Liv.”

“It’s not a thing!” Liv exclaimed. “We’re just hanging out, nothing more.”

“Why don’t you want to admit to liking him? Or not liking him, for that matter.”

“That stuff gets complicated and as you can see, my life is complicated enough. I like him, OK, but I don’t want all that other stuff. Everyone in our class is so desperate to say they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they're spending some of the best years of their lives pretending to be something society is going to force on them by their early 20s anyway. That gives me damn near a decade to live before inevitable surrender to it.”

“I'm not getting married in my early 20s.” Rafael said. “I'm never getting married.”

“I knew I liked you, Rafael Barba.”

“But seriously, if you wanna hang out with Ed and be a kinda couple or whatever, tell him. If he likes you then he would agree to do it your way.”

“You really don’t know a lot about guys, do you?” she asked.

“No.” he shook his head. “Not really.”

“Lucky for you being clueless doesn’t stop you from getting hickeys. I really want the story on that.”

“Maybe later, I actually gotta go. Trevor and I are meeting up in the Village to hang out.”

“He's totally like your boyfriend now.” Liv said.

“No, not really. We just like to hang out; I'm having a good time. I don’t get to have a good time very much.”

“I'd be having a good time if I had a hickey like that. Are there anymore I don’t know about?” she tugged on the collar of his blue tee shirt.

“Cut it out.” Rafael smiled and stood up from the couch. “I’ll see you in school on Monday.”

“Alright Barba, I’ll walk you out.”

“Thanks.”

000

“Something’s wrong.” Ed bit into his burger. “You're too quiet.”

“I'm OK.” Liv picked with her French fries.

“Nope.” Ed shook his head. “You’ve hardly said a word.”

“We were in a movie for like two hours, Tucker.”

“Did you like it?” 

Ed had taken Liv to see _Primal Fear_. They were going to see _Fargo_ but changed their minds at the last minute. The movie was pretty good, Ed enjoyed it. He also enjoyed that Liv let him put his arm around her in the darkened theater. There was no need for all that hooking up stuff. He just wanted to spend some time with her and was happy she obliged. Something was wrong though, Ed could tell.

“It was pretty good.” She replied. “Edward Norton, I think that was his name...he was crafty. I like crafty.”

“And you're sure nothing’s wrong?”

“Not with this, Ed, not with our date.”

“What is it, then? It’s not that bastard Lewis, is it?”

“No.” Liv shook her head.

“Alright, well, I don’t wanna bother you too much about it.”

“Why do I doubt that?”

“You really get a kick out of busting my nuts, don’t you Benson?” he smiled as he took another big bite of his burger.

“I want to say no, but…”

“Mmm hmm, I know.” Ed pointed at her.

“Can I ask you something that might seem weird, Ed?” she asked.

“OK.”

“What are your parents like?”

“Complicated.” Ed rolled his eyes.

“Do you care to elaborate?”

“My mom split when I was seven. I try not to hate her for it; my old man wasn't always the easiest to live with. He's not a bad guy, he's just…a cop. He works too much, sometimes he drinks too much, and she couldn’t take it. She really wasn’t happy with his civil servant salary either. We were living in a small Hell’s Kitchen’s apartment at the time. 

“She went back to live with my grandmother in the North Jersey suburbs. I think the reason she left me behind was she didn’t want to get into a big custody thing. The Tuckers are some tough bastards, a couple of crazy Germans met up with some equally crazy Irish in Galway and procreated. My entire family on my dad’s side is from there. I guess she felt like David up against Goliath. At least that’s the version that I can sleep at night to.”

“Do you ever see her?”

“Every once in a while. She's back in New York, married to some guy who I guess is always home by six.” Ed shrugged. “My dad was so mad at first, madder than a bull. Then one day he said ‘I guess it’s just you and me kid. We better start living’. Things have been OK. I know they could be worse. Why?”

“I'm just asking.” Liv shrugged. “I don’t know my dad, some days that sucks.”

“Did he bail on your mom?” Ed asked.

“Not entirely. It’s definitely complicated.”

“Well if you ever want to talk about it, you can talk to me. I know all about complicated and I'm here for you, Liv.”

“Why?”

“What the hell kinda question is that?”

“I'm just asking.”

“I'm here for you because I like you.” He replied. “It’s not just about hooking up, I really like you OK? Don’t make me get all mushy about it.”

“I won't.” she shook her head.

“So we’re cool?”

“Yeah.”

“You should probably eat some more…your food is gonna get cold.” Ed pointed to her plate. She'd only taken one bite out of her burger though most of her fries were gone.

Liv nodded and started eating. She was going to do her best to push the stuff about her dad to the back burner. There was no way she was going to forget but she was out tonight to have fun. Things could fall apart anytime, they pretty much had. At least Liv could have her Saturday night. It wasn’t often that she went out on dates. 

She liked parties and sometimes could get Connie and Casey to one of the 18+ clubs that the bouncers always let them into because they wore sexy clothes. Dates made her nervous; guys made her nervous. Most of them were just trying to get into her pants. Ed wasn’t going to miss an opportunity if he had one, but often he just wanted to talk to her. They sparred back and forth with words and it stimulated Liv. 

It actually turned her on. How come she hadn’t paid him much mind since their sophomore year hookups? It was at three different parties over like a month. No guy on Earth’s tongue had been in Liv’s mouth as much Ed Tucker’s. Just as fast as they had a wild spring-summer fling going on, it went back to just seeing each other in the hallways at school. There would be cheeky banter, some flirting, but she hadn’t kissed him in since last July.

“I kinda like you too.” She murmured, eating her burger.

“I know.”

“Shut up.”

Ed smiled and ate his burger. He would chill, just spend time with Olivia for as long as she let him. They didn’t need to do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. He wasn’t even sure if he knew how to be a boyfriend. He knew how to care about Liv though and was going to keep doing it. 

Ed didn’t like a lot of people. After watching his parents’ relationship dissolve he really wanted nothing to do with the whole love thing. For a while he just repressed what he felt for Liv. That wasn’t a good feeling; it actually made him feel worse. 

So he would play it by ear and just be there. Something in his gut told him that Liv kinda wanted him around. Ed wasn’t sure if it was his male ego or a real thing. Sticking around was the only way he would know for sure.

***


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid. She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean. It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this story but it will not be written about in graphic detail. I still thought it deserved some kind of trigger warning as its not usually something I write about.
> 
> This is my first official AU in this fandom. AUs are my favorite to write, I love throwing the characters into circumstances completely different from canon and seeing if their personalities still shine through. As it is with all AUs through many fandoms, the characters you read about will have been on Law and Order: SVU sometime in the past 17 seasons. That’s a lot of characters but I mostly stick to ones that would be familiar even to the casual watcher.

“Oh God, ohhh God,” Rafael arched his back. “Wait, wait, wait.”

He took Trevor’s hand in his, pulling it away from the bulge in his jeans. The teenager was on fire. No one had ever touched him like Trevor had. Rafael hadn’t even touched himself like Trevor had. Sharing a room with his brother until he was 14, half the time Rafael was too scared to jerk off. He didn’t want his brother to beat the hell out of him just for shits and giggles. 

Now he slept alone and often the feelings overwhelmed him. He knew it was normal but still felt guilt about what he thought about while touching himself. It wasn’t Phoebe Cates in the red bikini like the poster over his bed. It was usually Rob Lowe, or the guys in the Men’s Health magazines that he smuggled under his mattress. Sometimes it was Trevor. Now the thing with Trevor was reality and Rafael wasn’t even sure what to do.

“What's the matter?” Trevor asked.

“I don’t want to get caught.”

“Well my mom took my sister to Philadelphia for the weekend and my dad had plans. He told me he won't be back until eight or nine. No one is coming home, Rafael. We talked about this.”

“Why didn’t you go with your mom to Philly?” he asked.

“She went to visit one of her college friends. She has a daughter who's a year younger than my sister. It would’ve been an uncomfortable trip for me.”

“And your dad definitely isn't coming home?

“No.” Trevor shook his head and smiled. “What’s the matter?”

“I've never really done this before.” Rafael exhaled as he said it. He sat up on the bed, tried to regulate his heartbeat. This was overwhelming and though overwhelming could be good, it could also be bad.

“Sex?” Trevor asked.

“That…and with a guy.”

“You're 16 years old, I think that’s OK.”

“Have you ever done it before?” Rafael turned back to look at Trevor. He sat up on the bed too, running his hand through Rafael’s hair. That was almost as awesome as him touching other body parts. How could someone’s touch be the most fantastic thing in the world?

“I've had some hookups but never gone all the way. Sometimes it’s scary out there. You're not sure if people are trying to lure you to do something bad so you have to be careful. It’s been college guys mostly but I've never been serious with anyone.”

“Do you like girls at all? I don’t mean to ask all of these questions but I just really want to know.”

“I do like girls.” Trevor nodded. “I wouldn’t say its 50-50 but if I find a girl attractive then I accept it. If I find a guy attractive then I accept that too. I find you very attractive, Rafael Barba.” He kissed his shoulder.

“I had to button my shirts up all the way to my neck for days so my parents wouldn’t notice the hickey.”

“No more hickeys, I promise.”

“You better mean that.”

“I do.” Trevor laughed. “C'mere, come and lay down with me.”

He pulled Rafael back on the bed and kissed him. Rafael smiled, kissing him again.

“We only have to do what you want to do, Rafael. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I want to take all of our clothes off, kiss you everywhere, and get so excited that we lose track of time.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Trevor grinned as he took off his tee shirt. “I can definitely make that happen.”

“I'm well aware of what you can make happen.” Rafael lifted his arms and his tee shirt came off too.

“Is that a yes?” he was kissing Rafael’s chest, making quick work of the button and zipper on his Levi’s. 

He didn’t quite understand why Rafael thought of himself as chubby. He didn’t have defined muscles in his chest and arms but with a little weight lifting, maybe some running, he would look athletic in no time. Most regular sized high school guys who weren't involved in sports had his body. Trevor hoped Rafael wasn’t worried that he would find that unattractive…nothing could be further from the truth. Trevor was ready to get naked now. He was ready to get naked last week.

“Yes.” He whispered, having never needed to say another word so desperately in his life. “Take off your pants!”

Trevor laughed, doing as he was told. They'd never been naked together before and he was excited. He really couldn’t believe his luck meeting Rafael. It wasn’t hard to meet guys he found attractive. It was hard to meet guys who felt the same things he did. 

Rafael was smart, handsome, shy, and rather bold all in one breath. He wasn’t like anyone Trevor had ever met before. He still had questions about himself, worries and wonders, but didn’t plan to take Trevor for a ride. This was real, it was happening; the riptide was about to pull him under.

“Don’t hold back.” Rafael whispered, kissing Trevor hard as his hands splayed across his back.

“I won't.” Trevor shook his head. “I can't.”

His skin on Rafael’s skin was surely what heaven felt like. Trevor’s body was sinewy and strong, a contrast to Rafael’s slight boyhood pudge. He wasn’t fat but he didn’t feel sexy either. Trevor Langan was sexy, and being naked with him was wonderful. Trevor’s hands all over Rafael’s body was truly wonderful. His hands, his lips, his mouth; the way he grinded and the way he moaned. The reality was better than the fantasy and Rafael Barba had a healthy imagination where this was concerned.

“Don’t stop.” He moaned, grabbing the sheets as Trevor stroked him.

“You feel so good.”

“Put it in your mouth, Trevor, please.”

This was his moment and there was no need to beat around the bush. Rafael wanted to receive; he planned to give give give in return. They had all afternoon to surrender to the bliss.

***

“Are you sure I don’t look like an idiot?” Liv asked as she checked herself in the mirror for what had to be the 50th time.

“Be quiet, you look amazing. You really do.”

Liv was wearing a black, tea length dress. She’d bought a crinoline slip to make it more flouncy and prom-like. The spaghetti straps and strapless bra she had to wear made her a bit uncomfortable but this was a formal event after all. It wasn’t senior prom but it would be bad form to show up in a jean skirt and some Docs. Liz had a powder pink silk scarf that she fell in love with so Liv tied that around her waist. It went perfectly with the powder pink high heels she bought months ago and had no idea why. Taking a deep breath, she smoothed her hands over the dress.

“I'm sorry your mom couldn’t be here for this.” Liz said.

“I'm sure her staff meeting was can't miss.” Liv tried to smile. “It’s probably better, there won't be any drama. Does this French braid look OK? My hair hasn’t grown in a lot since my last crazy cut but I think I pulled it off. Seventeen Magazine was good for something.”

“I like it. The bangs are good too.”

“I cut them myself.” Liv smiled.

“I tried that when I was 14.” Liz rolled her eyes. “Never again.”

“I like to experiment.”

“Well now it’s time for some pictures.” Liz got off the bed with her camera.

“Aww, c'mon.”

“No complaining, I want you to smile. I can't believe how grown up you're getting. It seems like just the other day you were in pigtails and little shirts with ladybugs on them.”

“I should’ve been a more punk rock kid.” Liv grumbled, putting on a fake smile for the barrage of pictures her godmother insisted on taking. 

She couldn’t believe her mother wasn’t there tonight. It made Liv happy and angry at the same time. It had been Serena who insisted that she attend the prom as Liv didn’t care either way. But her mother told her she would regret missing out on normal teenage rituals when she got older. Liv thought the idea that she would wake up in her forties in a cold sweat because she didn’t drink punch in the school gym or let some boy try to get to third base in the back of a limo was ridiculous. 

But sometimes agreeing with her mother was better than fighting so she relented. She was going to go stag, hook up with her friends, and make the most of the night. Then Ed asked to be her date. And Serena couldn’t even get her ass there to see her stupid plan come to fruition.

The doorbell rang and Liv realized she was actually nervous. She sent Liz down to answer, saying she wanted to make a grand entrance. Once she was alone, Liv sighed and sat down on the bed. She needed, and wanted, to have a good time tonight. The past few weeks had been tough with school stuff and family stuff weighing her down. 

A lot of times she was just going through the motions. It could be better than that tonight. She grabbed her pink satchel purse and her diamond earrings from the dresser before turning off the light and walking down the hall. She saw Ed when she was halfway down the stairs. 

He looked really handsome in his black suit and powder pink tie. His shoes looked as if they had been spit shined. He was smirking, which made her do the same. Liz smiled when the two of them were face to face.

“You scrub up well, Olivia.” He said.

“I was about to tell you the same thing.”

“I got you a corsage. It’s some pink flowers but please don’t ask me which ones.”

“How romantic.” She rolled her eyes.

“You should put it on her wrist, Ed.” Liz said, taking the corsage from its plastic box.

“Yes ma'am.” He slipped the elastic band over her hand and onto her wrist.

“Just let me take a few pictures.” Liz started snapping away before the teens were even ready. 

Ed put his arm around Liv and they both smiled like it was the best day of their lives. He didn’t get the whole deal about the prom either but he asked Liv because he liked her and thought it would be a fun thing to do together. Most of the time St. Anne’s was hell on earth for him so at least for tonight it wouldn’t be.

“I want her back in here by midnight, no exceptions.” Liz said once the photo session was over.

“Yes ma'am.” Ed nodded.

“Not 12:15, not 12:01 Ed, midnight.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“No drinking, no drugs, no driving more than 5 miles over the speed limit. No after parties, that’s where the trouble starts.”

“You want us to stay home and just watch some TV in the den?” Liv asked. “It might be safer.”

“I want you to have fun, young lady. Just be smart, be safe, and know that I have a brown belt in tae kwon do, Ed.”

“I believe you.” He said.

“That’s a nice sports car out there.” Liz said. “Who does it belong to?”

“My dad rented it for me and I got the lecture from him so believe me there will be no reckless driving tonight. I'd like to live to see my senior prom.”

“Is your father a cop?” Liz asked.

“How did you know?”

“I figured cop or military with your haircut. What's his name?”

“Sergeant Ed Tucker, ma'am, out of the two five.”

“I know a lot of cops.” Liz said. “I'm figuring that you do as well.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“I want you both to have a good time but bring my goddaughter back safely or I will kill you.”

“Aunt Liz!” Liv exclaimed laughing. She knew it was the truth.

Ed nodded and he and Olivia went to leave. Out on the steps she waved to Liz one last time and then went down to get into the car. Ed was driving a silver Mustang with a black racing stripe. Liz knew getting the license plate number was a bit over the top but she had his father’s information. She wasn’t afraid to call in one of many favors if she had to. 

Liv wasn’t the type to go out with just any bum of a boy in spite of her rebellious ways. He looked alright but she knew from experience that looks could be deceiving. Taking a deep breath after watching the car drive down the block, Liz closed the door. It was almost time for her evening to begin. Liv wasn’t the only one with plans tonight.

000

“Casey is a really cool date.” Rafael said. He was smiling at Liv as he walked up to the table where she was sitting.

“I told you.” She said. “Casey is totally cool. I'm glad she didn’t have a date…she's usually beating the dudes off with a stick. Where is she anyway?”

“She and Connie are dancing.” Rafael sat down. “I'm not the best dancer but she had me out there spinning and jumping around. It was mostly fun.”

“Have you seen swimmer boy? I saw him a few times.”

“Trevor and I said hello and had a glass of punch together. Alexandra looks really pretty. So do you, by the way.”

“Thanks for the afterthought, Barba.”

“Not an afterthought.” He said. “You look great.”

“I hate dressing up. I admit that I look fine when I do but it’s a lot of work.”

“Where’s Ed?” Rafael asked. 

He'd seen the two of them on the dancefloor and just mingling amongst the hundred some students who were partying in the gym tonight. Despite everything that had been happening lately, Liv looked like she was having fun tonight. Rafael watched her laugh and flirt with Ed Tucker; it was clear that she liked him. He liked her too…Tucker’s shit eating grin was hard to conceal.

“He's got a thing for the meatballs they're serving so he's at the buffet table. Some of his friends were hanging near the food so I let him go and do his thing. It’s a date, I'm not his mom.”

“Hey guys!” Casey came back to the table grinning. “Picture time.”

She had a pink point and shoot camera. All evening long she’d been getting pictures of them; flashes were going off in the gym like a photo shoot. Liv put on her smile and put her arm around Rafael. He didn’t expect that but he smiled too. Casey took three pictures. Then she came and sat on Rafael’s lap. Liv just laughed at the look of discomfort on Rafael’s face. It wasn’t like he didn’t want her to sit there, he just needed a little warning. Casey couldn’t see him because she was looking at Liv.

“Get our picture, Liv.”

She took the camera and snapped off a few shots. Casey jumped back up, slipping the camera in her purse.

“I wanna dance some more.” She said. “Come on, Rafael.”

“I'm gonna rest my feet for a couple of more minutes.” He said. “I’ll join you in a little while.”

“Cool.” She hustled back out onto the dancefloor as the DJ started playing _Are You Gonna Go My Way_.

“Ed and I are gonna bail around 10:30.” Liv said. “You and Casey should come with…we’re just gonna get more food and hang out some.”

“What about Connie?” Rafael asked.

“Mike’s mom works night shift so they have an entire apartment to themselves. Connie’s trying to pull a Brenda.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“She's trying to lose her virginity on prom night.” Liv replied.

“Oh.”

“You could get lucky too.”

“I'm just going to hang out with Casey.” Rafael said. “It’s good to see Trevor, he really looks amazing in a tuxedo, but this isn't our night. That wouldn’t be fair to Alex Cabot. I just realized we’re going to have to squeeze into the back of a Mustang.”

“They have more space than most people realize.” Olivia said.

“Should I ask how you know that?”

“Eww,” she hit his shoulder. “Not because of that. What kind of girl do you think I am, Rafael Barba?”

“You're…”

“Just be quiet while you're kind of ahead.” Liv said. “Kind of.”

Ed walked back over to the table, putting down a small plate with a bunch of meatballs on it. He held out his hand.

“C'mon Liv, they're going to play our song.”

“We don’t have a song.”

“They're gonna play the song I requested and had to tell them it’s our song.” Ed clarified.

“You told the DJ we had a song?” she asked.

“Are you gonna dance with me or not?” he asked.

“OK.” She grinned, taking his hand and walking around Rafael.

“Hey Barba, watch my meatballs would you?”

“Um…OK.”

Olivia held his hand as they walked out onto the dance floor. Lenny Kravitz was ending and another song was beginning. Liv didn’t quite know what it was but she let Ed put his arms around her waist. She put her arms around his neck.

“What did you do?” she asked.

“I just wanted a slow dance to something really bad…like the proms on TV. I thought you would appreciate that.”

_It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping_

_I can't imagine living my life after you're gone_

_Wondering why so many questions have no answers_

_I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong_

_Where is our yesterday You and I could use it right now But if this is goodbye_

_Just take my heart when you go I don't have the need for it anymore_ …

“Oh my god,” Olivia laughed. “This is the worse song ever.”

“Yeah right, you know you loved it when it came out. Every girl loved it when it came out.”

“I think I was like 12 or something so that’s possible. You want me to admit to being a Mr. Big fan?”

“I just wanna dance with you, Benson.” He pulled her closer.

Liv exhaled and let go. It felt nice in his arms and even though this song was probably one of the cheesiest she’d ever heard, the sentiment was nice. Tonight wasn’t as bad as she imagined it would be. Being with Ed was really nice, and she was glad that the atmosphere hadn’t changed him. He was still a lovable douche. 

Closing her eyes, Liv stroked the back of his hair as they swayed on the dancefloor. This moment couldn’t get more high school so his plan worked. When she opened her eyes, William Lewis was looking at her. It made her shudder.

“You OK?” Ed asked.

“Yeah. Just kiss me already…I know that’s why you had them play this song. You wanted your moment. Here it is, Tucker.”

He grinned, leaning to kiss her. The chaperones were walking around, separating couples that got too close so he knew he couldn’t get as into the kiss as he wanted to. This was a preview to where they could go as a couple. And as the song ended, they walked back to their table still holding hands.

“Casey and Rafael are going to come with us when we leave.” She said.

“That’s cool, but am I going to get any alone time with you tonight?”

“Wanna follow me into the bathroom?” Liv asked.

“No.” Ed shook his head.

“We’ll hang out at my Aunt’s place after you drop me off. Do you have a curfew?”

“You wanna know what my dad told me tonight before I left? He said wreck this car or get her pregnant and I’ll kill you. Other than that have fun.”

“Priorities.” Liv smirked.

“Yeah.” 

“OK, I'm going to the bathroom to freshen up. I don’t know where Rafael went but I'm sure he's with Casey. When I get back we’ll do the once around and then go.”

“You don’t wanna stay for the Prince and Princess announcement?” Ed asked.

“Look at my face.” She said.

“I’ll take that as a no. You go ahead, I'm gonna eat these meatballs. They're pretty good.”

“I’ll be back in like ten minutes.”

“I’ll be here.” Ed sat down at the table with his little plate.

Liv smiled and walked out of the door to the bathroom. The locker rooms were open, being monitored by chaperones so students wouldn’t go in there to hook up. But she never used those bathrooms, always used the one next door because she liked having it mostly to herself. The music and noise were starting to bug her anyway, a little peace to calm down before she and her friends made the most of the rest of their night.

***

Olivia woke with a start. She immediately started to fight, someone was holding her down within seconds.

“Get the hell of me!” she screamed.

“It’s OK, Liv, you're safe. I promise you're safe.”

Ed pressed the button for the nurses as he tried to keep Liv from getting out of the bed. She was clawing at the IVs in her arm and screaming at him incoherently. The nurse ran in with a syringe and started to put it in her IV.

“What’s that?” Ed asked, looking at the syringe and then Olivia.

“It’s going to calm her down. You can let her go.”

“I don’t want her to hurt herself.”

“Don’t worry,” the nurse backed away from the bed. “She's going to come down very fast.”

“Is she going to pass out?” he asked.

“No. I'm going to get her Aunt.”

Ed nodded. He stroked Olivia’s hair as she sunk deeper into the bed. Her wild eyes calmed some, started to glaze over a bit. This was not supposed to be where they ended their prom night. Nothing like this was ever supposed to happen. If he had it to do all over again, Ed would’ve never let her go into that bathroom. How was he supposed to know that hell would follow her inside?

“Ed, it’s time for you to leave.” Elizabeth walked into the hospital room with a male police officer behind her.

“Can I stay in the waiting room?” he asked. “I don’t want her to be alone.”

“Does your father know that you're here?”

“Yes ma'am.” 

“Alright, go.”

He left the room and Liz had the detective close the door. She went over to the bed and sat down beside her niece. She took Liv’s hand, asking her to squeeze.

“Sweetie, this is Sergeant Cragen. He's here to speak to you about what happened tonight. I know you're weak and confused but we need to get as much information as possible to start the investigation.”

“What?” Liv looked at her. “What investigation?”

“You were attacked tonight at the prom.” Liz said. “Do you remember anything?”

The doctors said that Liv had a concussion and her memory might come back in pieces if at all. They didn’t even want to give her anything that might make her sleep but she was hysterical both in the ambulance and in the ER. To keep from hurting herself or anyone else a sedative was their best choice. Liz had only been home for twenty minutes when she got the phone call. 

The nurse on the phone said there had been an accident. All Liz could think about were the teens in that sports car driving too fast on a busy Manhattan street. It had started to rain and she feared the worse. When she got to the hospital nothing could’ve prepared her for what was to come.

“Lewis.” Liv whispered.

“Who’s Lewis?” Sergeant Cragen had a notebook and pen in his hand.

“Ed said when an animal has his back against the wall, he strikes. It was Lewis.”

“Can you tell me what happened in the bathroom tonight?” the sergeant asked. “Please take your time but I need everything you remember to the best of your recollection.”

“I don’t,” Liv tried to lift her hand and feel her head but she was in so much pain. Her body felt relaxed but it still hurt so much to move. It even hurt to blink. “He was going to kill me.”

“Is Lewis his first name or last name, Olivia?”

“Last. Its William Lewis, he's been bothering me for months.”

“Is there any reason why?”

“He doesn’t need a reason.” Liv slowly shook her head. “He's a sociopath and I stood up to him.”

“Do you remember anything that happened in the bathroom tonight?” Cragen asked.

“I told Ed that I'd be back in ten minutes and I went to the bathroom. The noise was bothering me, I just wanted a few minutes of quiet and to fix my makeup before we left. He must have come in when I was in the stall.”

“When did you first see him?”

“I don’t remember. My head hit the mirror and there was glass and blood. I screamed, I think, and he started pulling me toward the back of the bathroom. There's a handicapped stall and an alcove.”

“Do you remember anything else?” Cragen asked.

“Fighting.” Liv replied. “I was screaming and fighting. He was trying to get my dress…oh God, he ripped my dress. He knocked my head against the wall.”

“Did he say anything to you during the attack?”

“A lot, he wouldn’t shut up. I don’t remember all of it but he said he was going to make me choke on it. He was going to rape me and he was going to kill me. He was really going to kill me.”

“I think that’s enough for now, Don.” Liz held up her hand. “She can't do anymore. We need to let her get some rest and you can come back tomorrow afternoon.”

“We need to find out more about this Lewis and what may have caused the attack.” Cragen said.

“I think you should question Ed Tucker again. He was the one who tussled with Lewis in the bathroom. He and Liv go to school together, he might know about the feud.”

“We questioned a few other kids before they cleared out the emergency room. Who else is Liv close to? I want to put them on my list of people to talk to again.”

“Her best friend at school is Connie Rubirosa.” Liz replied. “I didn’t see her out there this evening. She's also good friends with Rafael Barba and Casey Novak. She's only been living with me for a little while so I don’t know everything.”

“Where are her parents?” Cragen asked.

“Don’t tell my mom about this!” Liv exclaimed, groaning from the pain. “Please don’t tell her; she can't find out. I don’t need her to blame me for anything else.”

“We’ll talk more outside, Don. C'mon, she doesn’t need to hear this part.”

“Ed.” Liv whispered as the adults got up to leave the room.

“I’ll send him back in sweetheart.” Liz kissed her forehead and avoided the stitches. “He's been watching over you like a hawk since you came into the ER.”

Liv was slipping back into the darkness. Liz sighed, holding back her tears. Her goddaughter had been through enough. On what was supposed to be a great night, someone had chosen to brutalize her. To make matters worse, the boy was no older than Liv was. 

What was going through this Lewis’ head as he committed such a heinous act? And how had he gotten into St. Anne’s with a switchblade for what was supposed to be a party? There was no doubt from her injuries that he had something very wicked on his mind. He was still out there and no teenage girl was safe.

“Do you know anything about William Lewis?” Cragen asked while they stood in the hallway.

“No.” Liz shook her head. “She just came to stay with me a few weeks ago because of problems at home. Liv isn't a chatterer but she does talk about school sometimes. His name has never once come up.”

“What kind of problems was she having at home?

“That doesn’t have anything to do with this and I don’t want you bringing it up and upsetting her more. Her mother drinks and there were issues.”

“OK.” Cragen closed his notebook and put it away. “It’s late and I'm going to put fresh eyes on this in the morning. Before I call it a night I will get information on Lewis and he’ll be picked up. This was a brutal attack and he doesn’t need to be snug at home in his bed.”

“Whatever charges we can press,” Liz said. “I want them pressed. He tried to kill her.”

“That’s up to the DA. He's also a minor so they’ll consider that too.”

“He may be under 18 but he's a monster. If he hasn’t done this before, I assure he will do it again. Donald you don’t want me talking to the DA so I really hope you will.”

“I’ll do my best. I’ll be back tomorrow to see if Liv can give us anything else.”

“Thanks, goodnight.”

Liz looked through the room window to check on Olivia. It seemed as if she and Ed were both sound asleep. She was going to have to send the boy home soon, he couldn’t stay all night. The vigil by her bedside was noble but they both needed plenty of rest. 

What Ed had witnessed tonight was traumatic. He'd been the one to rush into that bathroom and even fought Liv’s attacker. He was stabbed in his arm trying to stop Lewis from running off. Both teenagers had healing to do.

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the raven black hair and the overdose of mascara and eyeliner, Olivia Benson was a good kid. She went to a good school, got decent grades, and mostly kept her nose clean. It wasn’t easy when the whole city was a place of decadence for someone at 16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this story but it will not be written about in graphic detail. I still thought it deserved some kind of trigger warning as its not usually something I write about.
> 
> This is my first official AU in this fandom. AUs are my favorite to write, I love throwing the characters into circumstances completely different from canon and seeing if their personalities still shine through. As it is with all AUs through many fandoms, the characters you read about will have been on Law and Order: SVU sometime in the past 17 seasons. That’s a lot of characters but I mostly stick to ones that would be familiar even to the casual watcher.

“Hey.” Rafael gently knocked on the door and then walked in.

“Hi. Whoa, are those flowers for me?”

“Trevor and I bought them together. They're purple dahlias and I thought you’d like them. Despite this weather, I hear its spring.”

It had been raining in New York for the past two days and Olivia was still in the hospital. She had some fainting spells and lightheadedness so doctors weren't ready to send her home just yet. Her godmother wasn’t letting any of her friends in to see her. She said Liv was traumatized and needed rest. Rafael hated it, he hadn’t seen her since that ambulance rushed her away from school, battered and bloody. 

Ms. Switzer, who was a prom chaperone, got into the ambulance with her. Rafael, along with Ed and Casey, arrived at the ER about 20 minutes later. Ed was allowed to see her once she was in a room but Rafael wasn’t. He was questioned by the police, which scared him to death, but he didn’t know anything. One minute they had been talking and laughing at their table and the next Liv was beaten and stabbed. How something like that could happen was incomprehensible to him.

“Give swimmer boy a kiss for me when you see him.” Liv said. 

She was mostly sitting up in her hospital bed eating pudding. There were still IVs in her but she didn’t look like she was going to die anymore. She was battered but survived. Rafael pulled a chair from across the room and sat down by the bed. He had so much to say and didn’t even know where to start. 

It was Monday and the whole school was abuzz with rumor and speculation about what happened in that bathroom. Dodds actually dismissed early because no one was doing anything but talking about it. Rafael didn’t know what was the truth and what was lies. He didn’t want to hear things about Liv being raped and choked. She was his friend and her trauma shouldn’t be spread amongst the other teenagers like drama on a soap opera.

“Are you OK? I came everyday but your godmother said you weren't ready for visitors.”

“My head is still kinda swimming. Every time I try to get out of bed I have dizzy spells and faint. It’s not pretty. I have a huge lump on the back of my head and one on the side. There’s seven stitches in my forehead.”

“Jesus.” Rafael closed his eyes, did the sign of the cross. “They arrested Lewis, it was on the news and everything.” Rafael said.

“He tried to kill me.” Liv said. “I don’t remember all of it but I remember that. I still don’t even know how he didn’t kill me.”

“Ed went to the bathroom. He went in there to check on you, thought you’d been gone too long. He fought with Lewis as he tried to run away.”

“He did?” Liv hadn’t seen Ed since Saturday. He came for a few hours in the afternoon but then Liz sent him home. They hadn’t had any contact since he left. No doubt he probably wanted little to do with her now that she was damaged goods.

“Yeah. I thought you were dead Liv; you were just lying there bleeding. Casey and I ran to get help and Ms. Switzer and Principal Dodds came…then it just got out of control. Police, ambulance, kids whispering everywhere. It was a nightmare. And I thought you died.”

“I'm still here. Hey,” she reached for Rafael’s hand. “I'm gonna be OK.”

“It’s silly to comfort me.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I should be comforting you.”

“Well you're here, and you brought pretty flowers. Thanks.”

“Do you know when you're going to be able to go home?”

“Probably tomorrow if I can stand without passing out. I won't be back to school for at least a week or so, they're gonna want me to stay in bed. I just wanna go on junior trip and get this year over with. When it rains it pours, Barba. This is more like a shit storm.”

“Did he…did Lewis…did he hurt you, Liv?”

She knew what he was trying to ask and it made her sick to her stomach. Rafael was just concerned about her. He wanted to know how to be the best kind of friend as she went through a trauma. She couldn’t hear anything weird in his voice, like a person who might get off on getting that kind of information. It wasn’t exactly something she wanted to discuss. They'd already had the shrink in there three or four times in the past couple of days but Liv wasn’t ready. Her memory was sketchy and there was no way she was going back into that bathroom right now.

“No.” she shook her head. “Don’t tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, OK?”

“I wouldn’t ever, cross my heart and swear to God.”

“He said he would. He said he was going to rape me and kill me. I was scared to death but I knew I had to fight for my life. There was a party going on next door…no one could hear me scream. So if I didn’t fight then he was going to get what he wanted. 

“He stabbed me and beat me up. I think I passed out after he knocked my head against the floor. The doctors told my aunt that I didn’t have any kind of sexual trauma. That means he didn’t rape me, but the police are still calling it a sexual attack.”

“I knew he was crazy.” Rafael said. “The whole school knew he was crazy but who would ever think he could do something like that.”

“The assholes at school must be having a field day with this.” Liv rolled her eyes. “Hey, it’s 2:00, shouldn’t you be in school?”

“We were dismissed early. They brought in counselors to talk to people and it was a pretty dismal atmosphere. Some people were actually crying and really upset. Others were already getting the rumor mill started. I thought Connie was going to kill Sonya Paxton at the assembly this morning.”

“Oh fuck Sonya.” Liv rolled her eyes. “I can't imagine what she's spreading around. She tries way too hard to be Heather Chandler.”

“Who?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Nevermind. I’ll catch you up on excellent 80s films at a later time. Connie is supposed to call me tonight, I’ll get the deets on Sonya.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about her right now.” He said. “She's always such a bitch so none of that comes as a surprise. You need to focus on getting better and getting your life back.”

“What does that even mean? Get my life back. I was kicked out of my house, I found out my father is probably a rapist, a sociopath tried to rape and kill me…things are kinda fucked right now, Barba. This is like afterschool special fucked.”

“I know. I'm really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Liv let go of his hand and grimaced as she tried to make herself more comfortable in the uncomfortable bed. “I try to look at it more as getting on with it. I can't go back and change anything, life is moving forward and I have to too. My Aunt said that they're going to charge Lewis as an adult and they're piling stuff on. I bet they’ll cut a deal.”

“No way. This is all over the news and people are scared and upset. I bet there’s a trial.”

“I don’t want that.” Liv said in a low voice as she shook her head. “I don’t want to get up on the stand and tell a bunch of strangers what he did to me. His attorney will probably say it was consensual…as if getting stabbed in a bathroom stall is a form of foreplay.”

“That’s disgusting.” Rafael said.

“Tell me about it. Do you have anything good to tell me? I could use some good news.”

“Trevor said he wants to hang out this summer.”

“No shit, for real?” Liv managed to smile. “Holy moly, Barba, you should’ve led with that. Good news, my friend.”

“I have you to thank for that.” Rafael smiled too.

“Well Connie actually, though I am willing to take her piece of the credit. You really have yourself to thank. You got in there, made a play, and hit a homerun.”

“I really like him, Liv. And I think he likes me.”

“Guys don’t ask you to hang out over the summer if they don’t like you. Well, they might just want the goodies but you’ve already given that up so…”

“Hey, we haven’t gone all the way. C'mon,” he covered his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“I'm happy for you, totally.”

“Thanks. Maybe when you're feeling better we can all hang out, like with Casey and Connie, you know, do a group thing.”

“Oh God, I have a group of friends.” Liv groaned. “I did not sign up for this, Barba.”

“Deal with it.” Rafael smiled.

“I’ll do my best. Hanging out sounds like fun though, and you definitely need to have more fun. You got out of school early and came to the hospital to visit me. Boring.”

“You're my friend, Liv. I've barely slept for the past two days worrying about you. I know your Aunt was just protecting you but I hated that when I came she wouldn’t let me see you. I saw you sleeping through the window but couldn’t come in.”

“You came both days?” Liv asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“All the way from the South Bronx?”

“Well it’s not Poughkeepsie but yeah. Trevor and I both came…he's out in the waiting room right now.”

“He's just sitting out there waiting for you while you visit with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Swimmer boy is your boyfriend, Barba. You should just face the facts.”

Liv held back her emotions. Sometimes she felt so damn alone in this world. Connie had been her friend for years and they were really cool but Liv still had trouble just surrendering to being in a friendship. And Rafael Barba came out of nowhere and just didn’t even give a damn. They were friends and that was it. He even helped her look for her dad without a whole bunch of questions or backing out when it was time to do the hard work. 

That’s what Liv was used to…people backing out on her. She didn’t want to get close to people because they just weren't there when you needed them. Connie and Casey had been an exception for the most part; they knew how Liv was and they gave her the space to be the kind of friend she knew how to be. She didn’t want to let anyone down just as she didn’t want to be let down. It was going to be hard to find a way to thank Rafael for the kind of person he was and the kind of friend he was. He was in the thick of it, the depths of hell with her, and he hadn’t bailed yet.

“No comment.” Rafael shook his head.

“Well get back to him. I'm just laying around in a hospital bed being boring; the world is waiting outside for you.”

“Call me tonight.” He wasn’t ready to go but knew she was asking him to. “I want to know when they’re gonna spring you out of here.”

“I will. I cannot wait to go home and have real food. The food here is like prison…it’s the pits.”

Just as he was about to ask if it was OK for them to hug or something, Liz Donnelly walked in. She was with the same cop who had questioned him on prom night. Rafael wasn’t sure if he was in trouble or not so he put on his best smile.

“Hello ma'am.”

“Hi Rafael. I know you haven’t seen Liv in a few days but we need to speak to her privately.”

“I was just going.” He turned to Liv. “Should we hug or something?”

“Nooooo.” she said smirking. “I’ll call you later. Tell swimmer boy I said hello.”

“I will. Bye Liv.”

Rafael left and Donald Cragen closed the door. Liv sighed, trying not to roll her eyes. It wasn’t this cop’s fault that he had this case. Liz came around to the side of the bed where Rafael had been sitting a few minutes before. She took her goddaughter’s hand.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Aunt Liz. I know the cops need to know but I just don’t know if I can do it. I'm also starving, the food here has to be worse than what they give prisoners. Can I please have some real food?”

“I will definitely see what I can do about getting you some real food.” Liz replied. “I know it’s hard to talk about what happened. I also know that your memory is fuzzy. But Sergeant Cragen has to ask these questions. When someone is victimized there is only a small window of time to get the full story before lawyers can say it was manipulate or coerced.”

“I hardly remember anything.” Liv lied. “My brain is so fuzzy and fragmented that I barely know what's real and what's a bad dream. You interviewed me on Saturday and that’s really all I have to say. I'm a victim, not a criminal, I have rights.”

“You do have rights, Olivia.” Cragen said. “It’s not my intent to badger you or to further victimize you. We want a criminal to face justice and we can't do that without you.”

“I don’t want to testify.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to get up on the stand and have to say what happened in that bathroom. I damn sure don’t want some lawyer in a shark skin suit to call me a liar.”

“You're thinking too far ahead talking about trials.” Cragen said. “Let's back it up. We spoke with Ed Tucker and he told us that Lewis had been harassing you for months. I want to ask you some questions about that.”

“OK.”

“When did the harassment start?”

“It was the end of January.” Liv replied.

“And what were the circumstances?”

“Lewis had always been a creep since he started at St. Anne’s last year. But in January we had a fire assembly, they have two a year. I was sitting with my friend Connie and a couple of rows behind us were four freshmen. Lewis was sitting behind them and he was being gross.”

“I need you to be specific, Olivia.”

“I don’t remember everything he said but he made gross sexual references and talked about their body parts and his body parts. Some of the other boys snickered but most people were grossed out by it. The girls were really upset, one of them was almost crying.”

“Then what happened?”

“I turned around and told him to shut up. He said I had a smart mouth and he knew what to do with it. So I gave him the finger and went back to talking with my friend. He kept harassing the girls; I had enough so I turned around again and I gave it to him.”

“What's that mean?”

“I embarrassed him in front of everyone who could hear.” Liv said. “I told him no one cared about his cocktail wiener dick or his crusty balls. I called him a freak and I said if he didn’t shut up he was going to wish he did. I told him to go home and have sex with his dog. 

“It wasn’t pretty, I'm not proud of it, but he pissed me off. Kids were laughing at him. He got really pissed off, told me I was gonna pay, and moved to another seat in the auditorium. I didn’t give him a second thought.”

“But that’s when the harassment started?” Cragen asked.

“Yeah.” Liv nodded. “He would walk up to me and say gross things or just give me the evil glare in the hallway. One time I caught him following me home. At least I think he was following me. He claimed that it was a public sidewalk but I had never seen him take that route before. He was trying to intimidate me but I never showed fear.”

“Before prom night, had he ever physically touched you?”

“No. I don’t want to talk anymore. Do your cop job and give me room to breathe. I don’t want to be mean, Sergeant, but I'm tired. I got my ass kicked and I was stabbed four times. I'm still experiencing double vision, can't even stand up without passing out. I don’t want to answer any more questions, I just wanna try to get better. I know I'm lucky to be alive.”

“You are lucky to be alive, Olivia.” Cragen nodded. “There are very experienced officers who have spoken with Mr. Lewis and they assure me that he's a sociopath. He had a plan and was ready to execute it.”

“Rafael said that it’s all over the news.”

“No one knows your name.” Liz assured her. “You’re a minor and are protected under the law from the press knowing who you are.”

“I should stress, to both of you, that doesn’t mean that people aren’t going to find out.” Cragen said. “You see it happen all the time and I want you to be ready if it does. Mr. Lewis is facing very serious charges, I'm sure his attorneys are going to want to taint the jury pool with people who might blame the victim.”

“I know that, Don.” Liz said. “I just want to get Liv back on her feet and out of the hospital. One obstacle at a time.”

“What are you charging him with?” Liv asked.

“Right now it’s assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, attempted sexual assault, unlawful imprisonment, and attempted murder. I'm sure some of those might be pled down but the more you pile on, the less willing a judge is to let the lower charges slide. He's being charged as an adult and we are currently digging through his life with a fine-toothed comb. We suspect this isn't his first attack on a girl.”

“Everyone at school thinks he's the kind of guy who peeps into windows. I can't imagine what everyone must think of him now.”

“Don’t think about that right now.” Liz said, putting her hand on Olivia’s arm.

“I'm going to leave you to get some rest.” Sergeant Cragen went over to the door. “Thank you, Olivia. Thanks, Liz.”

“Bye Don.”

When he was gone, Olivia looked at her Aunt. She didn’t want to be uncooperative; she didn’t want to be a pain in the ass. Olivia could barely wrap her mind around what had happened to her. She was dealing with anger, guilt, and shame. Eventually she would have to go back to school and face all those kids who had 15 different versions of events. 

She would have to walk past that bathroom every day and know, mostly, what happened in there. The doctors were giving her something to sleep because she was having nightmares. There was such a long road ahead and Olivia didn’t even have the strength to get out of bed and stand much less walk it. Being normal again, being alright, seemed improbable.

“Please don’t make me go through anymore questioning.” She said.

“I'm going to do my very best.” Liz said. “They have a lot of the information they need.”

“They really talked to Ed? Did they talk to all of my friends?”

“They did a thorough job. The kids who followed you to the hospital were questioned here and then again on Sunday. School officials were questioned as well.”

“How the hell am I gonna go back there.” Liv put her face in her hands.

“You don’t have to, Liv. There’s about a month of school left so I'm sure you can finish with in-home assignments and tests. We can look into sending you someplace else for senior year.”

“No way.” She shook her head. “I've survived this long, no way am I going somewhere new for senior year. I want to be with me friends…I don’t want to be out there on my own.”

“OK.” Liz nodded. She tried to smile but she was a few steps from falling apart. She'd tried more than once to get in touch with Serena but apparently she left town for a long weekend with a friend. It was Monday but she still wasn’t answering her phone at home or at Hudson. 

Liv had begged her, under the influence of drugs, not to involve her mother in this. She had been in the hospital for two days and hadn’t asked for or about her. Liz didn’t think bringing it up again was a good idea until she had to. “I bet I can convince the doctor that a cheeseburger and fries might put you on the road to recovery.”

“Oh my god, I would love you forever.” Liv said. “I already will but I’ll love you even more, I promise.”

“Alright. After that do you want to hang out for a little while? We don’t even have to talk, maybe just watch something on TV.”

“Yeah. I'm not taking you away from important lawyer stuff, am I?”

“I'm just going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” Liz said as she opened the room door and went out to the nurse’s station.

“Thanks Aunt Liz.” Liv said when she was alone in the room.

***

“Liv said something at the hospital that got me to thinking.”

“What's that?” Trevor looked at him.

They were on the 1 train. After leaving the hospital they walked over to the Columbia University station and were taking the train to Houston. Unless the teens were alone at Trevor’s house, they felt most comfortable in The Village. It wasn’t Shangri-La but there were more gay people there and they didn’t feel like they had to duck and hide all the time. Rafael had even managed to hold Trevor’s hand once as they stood in line for ice cream. It didn’t last more than a few minutes but to Rafael it was a victory.

“Well first she told me to tell Swimmer Boy hello.”

“She calls me Swimmer Boy?”

“Because you're on the swim team.” Rafael said.

“I figured as much.”

“She used to call you runner boy, when I first asked about you, because…”

“You asked Olivia Benson about me?” Trevor asked.

“You're interrupting my story.”

“You're avoiding my question, Rafael Barba.” Trevor gently poked his stomach.

“I asked Olivia about you, just a couple of days before you came and sat down at the lunch table with Rita and I.”

“What did you ask her? Olivia and I don’t know each other that well. I mean, I knew she was a friend of Connie’s.”

“Can I plead the fifth on answering that?” Rafael asked. “It’s kind of embarrassing to me and the whole thing seems like shenanigans in hindsight. Interesting shenanigans, but shenanigans.”

“Alright, you're off the hook for the moment. What did she say at the hospital?”

“She said you're totally my boyfriend now. I mean, it’s not really how we’re doing things but she said that hanging out over the summer makes us boyfriends. It doesn’t though.” Rafael shook his head.

“It doesn’t?”

“No, not at all. Friends hang out all the time; it’s not a big deal and we don’t have to make it one.”

“Would making it one make you uncomfortable?” Trevor asked.

“Lots of things make me uncomfortable.”

“I find that adorable.” He put his hand on Rafael’s thigh. “Friends don’t do what we do Rafael…friends don’t make me feel how you make me feel.”

“Yeah.” Rafael nodded. He had no idea where he was going to take this conversation. He wasn’t angling for anything but somehow, in about 3 minutes, it all got away from him. Maybe because he expected Trevor to laugh it off and declare that there was no way they could be boyfriends. He hadn’t, he hadn’t stuck to the script that was in Rafael’s head. 

How dare he? “I just don’t want us to be some deep, dark secret. I know we can't be close at school and that’s understandable but I don’t want us exiled to The Village and your room whenever your parents aren’t home. As friends, I don’t have to think about that. I don't have to be worried.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?” 

“Shall I comprise a list?”

“My parents know about you.” Trevor said. 

“What?” Rafael looked at him with wide green eyes. He didn’t see that coming. He didn’t see it coming by a long shot.

“I told my dad last year that I was bisexual. He was actually easier to talk to than my mom. I thought he was going to be dismissive but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I had to tell someone and I had to tell someone who could help me, you know?”

“OK.” It was the only answer Rafael could give. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t know the feeling it was just something he couldn’t bring himself to talk about. Liv knew, by accident, so he never had to come out. And since it had only been about Trevor, they didn’t exactly have a long conversation about sexuality. While Rafael was sure this wasn’t just some phase he was going through, he also had no idea how or what to feel most of the time. He was just a teenager…he was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

“My dad was OK, and he's still OK.” Trevor said. “He wants me to be healthy and happy and sane. My mom was a little harder to bring around. I think she comforts herself knowing that bisexual means I can still get married and have kids. I don't know why parents feel the need to invest themselves so heavily in future things like weddings but this was important to her. Anyway, I told them we were growing close.”

“My parents don’t even know your name.” Rafael said. “I'm afraid if I talk about you then I’ll talk about you too much and my mother will suspect. I'm afraid if my father finds out he will kill me to preserve Barba family honor.”

“I understand that. My house will always be a safe place for you to be you. I’ll always be a safe place for you to be you.”

“Three months ago I was staring at the back of your head in pre-calc class.”

“I should’ve just turned around. I was crazy about you the moment I laid eyes on you.”

“Me too.” Rafael smiled.

“So do you wanna be my boyfriend?” Trevor asked.

“Nothing has to change, Trevor. I just…I like things just as they are.”

“Me too. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

“The answer is yes.”

“Yes!” Trevor exclaimed, throwing up his arms in victory.

“Trevor!” Rafael grabbed one of his long arms.

“I'm sorry.” He took both of Rafael’s hands in his. “I'm just happy.”

“I see that.” Rafael smiled. “C'mon, our stop is next. We can go and have some pizza.”

“I'm holding your hand.” Trevor said as they stood. “Maybe not in the train station, and that’s OK, but on the way to Percy’s I’m holding your hand. I want to have my moment.”

Rafael wanted the moment too. His heart was beating so fast and his stomach was doing triple somersaults. He wanted to grab Trevor, kiss him, and let everyone know how he felt. He knew that he couldn’t do that but it was still an amazing feeling. This person had gone from someone he admired from afar to someone important in his life in just a short period of time. The last two months had been a roller coaster ride. Rafael had no idea when it was going to slow down.

***

“Oh snap, go Aunt Liz.”

Liz sighed, laughing some as she moved away from the man she was kissing. But his arm was still firmly around her waist so all she could do was lean her head on his shoulder. After a moment she turned and looked at her goddaughter standing on the stairs.

“I thought you were napping.” She said.

“Mmm hmm, I bet you did. Gonna introduce me to this hunk?” Liv grinned and sat down on the stairs. 

She had only been home from the hospital for two days. She'd finally stopped fainting whenever she stood but still got disoriented. Standing for long periods of time was not ideal. She didn’t plan on going anywhere until she knew who this guy kissing her godmother was though. He was tall, muscular, and not at all hard on the eyes. 

If Aunt Liz’s haircut theory was correct, he looked like a cop. The off the rack pants, slightly ill-fitted shirt, and cheap tie were also a dead giveaway. No one dressed like that but cops. Olivia didn’t think of Aunt Liz at the cop type at all, she had degrees from Sarah Lawrence and Columbia Law. Of course it didn’t have to be a love connection…women over 40 wanted sex too.

“You think I'm a hunk?” he asked.

“You're alright...for an old dude.” Liv smiled.

“Cute.”

“Olivia Benson, this is my friend Elliot Stabler.” Liz put her hand on his chest.

“Friend.” Liv raised her eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“Well nice to meet you, friend.”

“I really did think you were napping.” Liz said.

“Ed is on his way over. He's bringing me homework and snacks. I had been asleep but he called me.”

“I didn’t hear the phone ring.” 

“That’s cuz I was talking to Connie when he called. So, Elliot, what are your intentions with my Aunt Liz?”

“Olivia…”

“She's a very lovely woman.” Elliot replied.

“Yes she is. She likes expensive restaurants, Edith Wharton novels, and takes no mess. Good presents to consider are jewelry of course, vases, and old books. Have you seen her first and second edition collection?”

“She's a walking advertisement for you.” Elliot smirked. “I like her already.”

“You need to get going.” Liz said.

“Call me later?” he whispered in her ear.

Even from halfway across the room, Olivia could see how his breath on her ear made Liz shiver. Her whole body was relaxed and Aunt Liz wasn’t often relaxed. Her work was stressful; she was dedicated to what she did. So high strung was putting it mildly. 

She drank a whiskey and water every night after work, smoked cigarettes, and could work until the wee hours on a case sometimes. The idea that this muscular cop was blowing her mind regularly made Liv smile. If anyone needed dick, as Connie always said, it was Aunt Liz. A relationship was nice too, someone to share her life with…but dick was a good start.

“I will. See ya.”

“Bye. Nice meeting you, Olivia.”

“For sure.” Liv waved.

“You are so bad.” Liz said when Elliot was gone and she’d closed the door.

“He was kinda hot, Aunt Liz. Nice butt too.”

“He does have a very nice butt.” Liz smiled.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“Never date a cop, Liv. They are stressed and some of them are quite mean. Elliot can be mean, not to me, but I've seen him go off. I prefer a little calm; I'm enough storm.”

“So it’s just a hook up thing?”

“Mostly.” Liz replied. There was no need to lie to Olivia. She was 16 years old and she was smart as hell. She was also going to badger her godmother about it until she got some information. Keeping track of the truth was easier than keeping track of lies. Liv had probably been lied to enough in her life. “I try to keep it as simple as I can.”

“That’s usually best.” Liv nodded.

“How was your nap?”

“It was OK. I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back to school. I don’t like being asleep all the time, confined to bed. I'm starting to feel like Cousin Clara. I'm a growing girl, I need Vitamin D.”

“Well I'm taking you back to the hospital on Monday for a few tests but if the doctor clears you I'm sure you can be back to school but middle of next week. I also set up an appointment for next week so you can see Dr. Lindstrom.”

Dr. Peter Lindstrom was a psychiatrist. He was a specialist in childhood trauma, PTSD. It bugged the hell out of Liv that there were actually kids who had to go through that but she wasn’t dumb. On the news every night there was something horrible going on and often it happened to kids. 

Something had happened to Liv, she was going to have to deal with it. There was no reason to fight about it. While seeing a shrink wasn’t on her list of favorite things to do, it was the best under the circumstances. William Lewis was in jail, he couldn’t physically hurt her anymore. That didn’t mean there wasn’t more pain to come.

“I’ll talk to him.” Liv said.

“I think it’s a good idea.”

The doorbell rang and Liz opened the door. She smiled at Ed. He looked very clean cut in his St. Anne’s uniform. He wore a backpack and carried a St. Anne’s folder.

“Good afternoon, Miss Donnelly.”

“Hi Ed, come on in.” she turned to look at her goddaughter. “I need to get back to the office, and probably won't be home until about 8. There's food for dinner; I’ll probably eat at the office.”

“OK. Bye Aunt Liz.”

“Bye.”

She left and Liv smiled at Ed. She hadn’t seen him since Saturday and it was now Thursday. They had spoken on the phone, most of the conversation was topical. She wanted to ask him what he was thinking but didn’t trust that she couldn’t see him. Face to face, Liv was sure that Ed wouldn’t be able to make something up.

“It’s plenty of work here.” He handed her the folder. “I'm supposed to bring it back on Monday.”

“I should be back in school next week.” She said. “Not Monday but hopefully by Wednesday.”

“Not much left except for finals. I'm glad you're going to be there for that.”

“You said you were bringing snacks.” Liv stood, holding on to the bannister until the dizziness and wave of nausea passed. “I've been sleeping most of the day and I'm hungry. C'mon to the den.”

Liv walked down the last couple of stairs and Ed followed. In the den they sat down on the couch. Ed had his backpack between his knees, he opened it and pulled out a Burger King bag.

“One of those French chicken sandwiches with ham and provolone cheese and a large fries. Sorry I didn’t bring a drink but that would’ve been too much to carry.”

“There's Coke in the kitchen, do you want one?”

“Yeah.”

Liv went into the kitchen to grab two cans of soda. When she came back, Ed had taken the food out of the bag and put it on the coffee table. He had a Whopper and fries.

“Do you know they charge extra to put bacon on a Whopper?” he asked. “What’s that about?”

“Sounds like sacrilege to me.” Liv opened her soda. “Is school still boring?”

“School will always be boring. I got a demerit yesterday for shoving Bill Taverts into a locker. It was worth it.”

“What did he do?”

“He called you a slut…I wasn’t putting up with that. I was actually getting ready to punch him in the kidneys but Briggs came and stopped me. It’s only my second demerit so I'm still allowed to go on the class trip. You're coming right?”

“Yeah I think so. Aunt Liz didn’t say I couldn’t.” Liv nodded. “Thanks for defending my honor or whatever.”

“You're kinda my girl.” Ed shrugged. “What kind of knucklehead would I be if I didn’t?”

“Kinda your girl? Gee, Tucker, don’t hurt yourself or anything.”

“Well I thought you didn’t want to do all that extra silly, mushy stuff.” He said.

“I don’t.” she sighed. “I was a little bit worried you might not like me anymore.”

“Nothing to worry about there.”

And just five words eased Liv’s fears. It wasn’t just that he said it, it was how he said it and how he looked at her. There was no disgust in his face or eyes. He looked right at her, which people never did when they were lying. Then Ed gave her one of his French fries. 

He rarely shared food so this was a big deal. She smiled, feeling a burden off her shoulders. It wasn’t just about some boy liking her…most boys weren't worth that kind of time. She and Ed were just getting started and Liv thought they might be good for each other. That Lewis could take that away from her too was difficult to bear.

“No?” Liv threw out the question to double check. She bit into her chicken sandwich. It was so good; she really was hungry.

“Nope.” Ed dug into his backpack and pulled something out. “I brought you this too…thought you might like it.”

Liv took the CD and laughed. She hit Ed on the shoulder and laughed some more. It was Mr. Big’s _Lean into It_ , the album with that silly song that they danced to on prom night. _To Be With You_ was also on that album and though Liv would never admit it, she still liked that song. Maybe she had been a Mr. Big fan.

“Wanna listen to it now? We can sing together.”

“Forgive me if I take a pass. You wanna talk about how you're feeling?”

“Oh God no.” Liv made a face. “I mean, I still get dizzy and disoriented but the doctors finally thought it was OK for me to come home. The wounds are gonna heal, they said the stab wound underneath my arm was pretty deep. How’s your arm?”

“I'm OK. I wish I could’ve gotten that knife away from him and…”

“You don't. You’re not a murderer Ed, vending machines not counting in this discussion. Can you just make me a promise?”

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“That we don’t talk about this all the time, that this doesn’t become a thing. I'm going to be OK, I've got more healing to do but when we’re together I don’t want to think about that. And you don’t have to be worried that I'm made of glass and you can't touch me or whatever.”

“You never let me touch you before.” He gave a little side grin.

“You got to second base in Casey Novak’s basement.” She said. “How soon a boy forgets.”

“Yeah. Well I'm not going anywhere so we have time. For second base and stuff, I mean.”

“OK.” Liv put her hand on his leg. “So we’re OK?”

“As long as you're OK, Benson, we’re OK. You wanna be my girlfriend?”

“Yes, but…”

“Say no more.” Ed held up his hand. “We’ll play it by ear.”

“I can do that.”

“Me too.”

Liv leaned and kissed his cheek. Then she put her head on his shoulder. Right now wasn’t the right time to label things and put heavy meanings on it. She just wanted him to be there. There were a lot of miles to go and for the first time in a long time, Liv felt like she didn’t have to do that alone. 

Building this support system was important to her. It was important to her recovery. She didn’t expect it to be easy but it was worth the work. Ed Tucker was probably worth a little work too.

***

“When were you going to tell me?” Rita caught up with Rafael just outside of the school. She stepped under his umbrella to shield her from the falling rain.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“You’ve got something going on with Trevor Langan.”

“What? Rita…”

“Don’t bother to deny it. You're kind of a bad liar.”

Rafael was actually an excellent liar, not that one went around bragging about such things. Rita knew him pretty well, as well as any of his schoolmates, so she might be able to see through certain things. But if he really wanted to lie, he could nail it.

“Why do you think there’s something going on with me and Trevor?” he asked.

“You ate lunch together yesterday and today. The way you look at each other…I look at the poster of Lloyd Dobler on my wall like that. The green eyes thing.”

“The…”

“He calls you green eyes.” Rita said. “Don’t distract me.”

“I'm not trying to distract you.” Rafael shook his head.

“He squeezes your shoulder before he walks away. He's joined us during study period so many times and I know you cut school together that day. Are you two like, boyfriends?”

“We’re just friends.”

“You don’t have to not tell me because you think I'm gonna freak out or something. There are kids here, in the closet. There are kids here who are kind of not. You're my friend and I wouldn’t stop caring about you because you liked boys.”

“I like girls too.” Rafael felt the need to clarify. Not because it made things better but because it was the truth. If Rita wanted the truth then he would tell her. “It’s complicated Rita but I'm not gay, not like all the way gay.”

“But you and Trevor are gay together?” she asked.

“That’s the most awkward thing you’ve ever asked me…and that’s saying something.”

“We can go and get some coffee, talk about it. I've lost enough friends in my life to boys Rafael, I know the drill. But I also know Langan has swim practice so you have some time.”

“I got time. And you're not going to lose me. We still have debate and study hall and usually lunch.”

“Do you promise?” Rita didn’t want to seem desperate but the truth was that she didn’t have a lot of friends. She was OK with that, it was usually hard to hide her disdain for people. Rafael was different though. He knew those things about her and didn’t judge.

“Of course I promise. And coffee really sounds good now, I've been tired all day.”

“I can tell you all about how I'm going to be the only high schooler interning at my grandpa’s law firm this summer.” Rita slipped her arm in his as they started walking down the street. “They're all probably gonna suck up to me though I'm not going to play that game.”

“No, you're going to own it.” Rafael said. “And enjoy every minute of it.”

“I don’t usually brag about this,” Rita lowered her voice. “But I am his favorite grandchild. So if there was someone to kiss up to, by proxy, it would be me.”

“Make sure you establish your dominance on the first day.”

“Of course.” She glanced at him. “Are you joking with me?”

“Mostly.” He nodded. “It’s still a good plan though.”

“Yeah it is.” Rita nodded. “See, we need each other, Barba. I would’ve thought about it, probably executed it, but you help me with subtlety.”

“Subtlety is my middle name. Tell me more about your grandpa’s law firm.”

It never took much to get Rita talking, especially when it was about the Calhoun family legacies. All Rafael had to do was ask the right question and a half hour could go by without her taking a breath. He wasn’t trying to divert the conversation from Trevor, she figured something out and Rita never stopped until she had the story. But her happy chatter would give him a chance to figure things out in his head. 

Sometimes he had to remind Rita that she wasn’t a lawyer yet…he didn’t want to be cross examined. The truth was that he didn’t mind, entirely, talking about Trevor with her. It was nice to have people he trusted with this kind of thing. Rita was a good friend and though she instigated the whole thing, Rafael was ready to bring her into his world.

***

“Cloves are just as dangerous as cigarettes.” Dr. Lindstrom said. He sat down in his chair and stirred honey into his tea.

“Cigarettes are better than heroin.” Liv countered, lighting the clove. “Don’t tell my Aunt about this.”

“I actually just read an article in the New England Journal of Medicine that says nicotine is more addictive than crack.”

“That sounds fake but OK.”

“You went back to school yesterday, didn’t you Olivia?”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“How was your first day back?”

“I'm happy to report that school is still incredibly boring. I cut study hall to go and get coffee with Connie.”

“Who’s Connie?”

“Connie Rubirosa is my best friend.” Liv replied.

“Tell me what Connie is like.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Olivia.” Dr. Lindstrom smiled. “We’re not just here to talk about the horrible things, we’re here to talk about everything.”

“Connie is my best friend.”

“How long have you and Connie been best friends?”

“Um, we met in freshman year in homeroom. She was reading Sassy magazine and I liked it too so we started chatting. Then I found out she loved Babes in Toyland, they're one of my favorite bands. We’ve been cool ever since.”

“So you two cut class?”

“Not really class,” Liv said. “It was just study hall. We went for coffee and croissants. There’s this little wannabe French café like three blocks from school…the croissants are delicious.”

“What did you and Connie talk about?” he asked.

“Nothing much.” She took a deep inhale of her clove. “She's excited about junior trip. She's kinda dating this guy Mike so we talked about that. She showed me some pictures from prom night.”

“How did you feel when you saw those pictures?”

“Surprisingly, I didn’t look as dumb as I thought in my dress. Some of the pictures were really cool…Connie, Casey, and I looked awesome.”

“You had to have coffee in the middle of the afternoon?”

“I was tired.” Liv said.

“How are you sleeping?” Dr. Lindstrom asked.

“It depends on the night. I can admit I was anxious about going back to school. I didn’t sleep that well on Tuesday night.”

“What made you anxious?”

“I didn’t want to see Sonya Paxton and her stupid girlfriends. They're bitches and I usually don’t worry about them but they were supposedly spreading rumors about me.”

“What kind of rumors, Olivia?”

“I heard from Fin that Sonya was telling people I was having sex with Lewis in the bathroom. When chaperones caught us, I cried rape. I don’t know if anyone believes her or not but that’s not the point. We hate each other but who would spread rumors like that. Lewis tried to kill me. Some people have been giving me looks but whatever, screw those people. My friends know the truth.”

“How have you been dealing with your friends?” Dr. Lindstrom asked.

“I don’t understand the question.” Liv shook her head. With one more puff she put out the clove.

“Have you talked to your friends about what happened that night?”

“I talked to Rafael.”

“Tell me about Rafael.”

“We go to school together. In February we had a history paper to write together and after that we were kinda cool. I don't know,” she shrugged. “I never expected to get cool with him but I am. He's easy to talk to and a good guy. He doesn’t know everything but I told him a little bit. I couldn’t keep it all inside. It was going to come bursting out of my chest like Alien.”

“So just Rafael?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I trust him to never tell a soul. I mean I told him not to but even if I hadn’t…”

“Tell me what you want to get out of therapy, Olivia.”

“I don’t want my Aunt on my back. She wants to make sure I'm OK and I don’t slip into some downward spiral of drugs and depravity. I wasn’t raped. I was attacked and I have to live with that but I can imagine it could’ve been worse.”

“You don’t think what happened to you was bad?”

“Of course it was bad. Sometimes I lie in the bed and think I never should’ve went into that bathroom. But Lewis was a monster, he was going to come and get me. I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

“Are you embarrassed?” Dr. Lindstrom asked.

“Not really. I don't know how I feel. I know I'm tired.”

“Do you mean you're sleepy.”

“No, I'm tired. This past sixteen and a half years has been rough. I know someday I'm gonna have to face all of it. This may sound silly, and I might be wrong, but right now I want to be a carefree teenager. I had finally gotten away from my mom; I was free. 

“And then that prick came and tried to take it from me. I'm not going to let him. Will I end up on a shrink’s couch someday? I'm almost certain of that. Right now I just want to hate school, hang out with my friends, listen to my music, and find the perfect summer lipstick. This therapy thing just feels like another burden on my shoulders…another consequence of a crappy childhood and a bad night.”

“So you don’t want to do therapy?”

“No.” she shook her head.

“If you don’t want to do it then you're not going to get anything out of it.”

“I know. But who the hell ever listens to a sixteen year old when she talks. They think that I don’t know, I'm just a kid and everything an adult tells me to do is for the best.”

“Let's have your Aunt come in.” Dr. Lindstrom stood from his chair. “We’ll have her come in and all three of us will sit and talk about it. It'll be an adult, a teenager, and a trained professional. Does that sound alright?”

Olivia shrugged but the doctor wanted an answer so she said it was OK. She thought Aunt Liz would understand her and maybe Dr. Lindstrom was even on her side. Liv didn’t know, she didn’t know him and wasn’t overly fond of doctors anyway. But if she was going to be pushed into talking then she was going to tell the truth. This might be her best opportunity to do so.

000

“So therapy’s over?” Rafael asked. “I thought today was your first day.”

“It was, and I just told the truth. I didn’t want to be there, I don’t think it’s where I need to be right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to focus on school and my friends and my life. The time is going to come when I'm going to have to really face everything that’s happened in my life, not just that bathroom with Lewis. I think you said to me once, it might have been Ed, that we all have childhoods that we’re recovering from.”

“That was me.” Rafael said.

“OK so yeah, I do and so do a lot of other people. But I have some happy times to live before the recovery begins. It’s not going to make sense to everyone, Barba. It makes sense to me.”

“That’s all that matters. Junior trip is next Friday. I'm thinking Colonial Williamsburg is a little bit boring.”

“Stick with me, it will be tons of fun. Will Swimmer Boy be tagging along?”

“Yeah. We never really get to hang out in school so we’re looking forward to it. I had to talk my mom out of chaperoning the whole thing. I couldn’t bear that…I have enough trauma. Have you talked to your mom?”

“No. She called a couple of times but I begged Aunt Liz to tell her I was sleeping. I figured if she really wanted to talk to me then she would make more of an effort. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong, but I'm going with my gut.”

“Does she know what happened?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah. I think she's really gonna avoid me now, it might bring up bad memories or something. I'm hopeful I can stay with Aunt Liz until I graduate and just go away for college. There's been enough upheaval and I'm actually feeling comfortable here right now.”

“At least you have that.”

“Oh, one more thing. I think I'm going to just give up on the dad thing for a while. I have a name but I don’t want to go digging any deeper into that quicksand. It’s probably best left in the past for now. I can't change it and I know my mom will never talk to me about it. So…yeah. You really helped me though and I appreciate it.”

“That’s what friends are for.” Rafael said. “I'm glad you're back at school and I'm glad you're going to be OK.”

“Thanks, and you are a good friend to me. I knew you from around, we had some classes and homeroom together, but you really came through in a crunch. There aren’t a lot of people who would do that.”

“Don’t spread that Good Samaritan thing around; I'm not really like that.”

“Your secret is safe with me, Barba.”

“I know it is.”

***

“You're naked inside your fears,” Casey and Connie were singing at the top of their lungs. “You can't take back all those years. Shots in the dark from empty guns are never heard by anyone. Never heard by anyone!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Liv groaned and put her forehead on Ed’s chest. “It’s like o’dark thirty and you guys are actually happy. How is this even possible? I don't even know how I dragged myself out of bed for this.”

They were standing outside of St. Anne’s waiting to board buses for the trip to Williamsburg. It was a seven hour ride so they were leaving at 3 a.m. Many parents were out there with their kids and some school administrators had showed up too. She saw her Aunt Liz chatting with Principal Dodds earlier. Liv didn’t want to know what that was about.

“I love that song.” Casey said, handing Connie back her earphones.

“You're kinda mean early in the morning.” Ed laughed as he rustled Olivia’s newly short hair. She just showed up at school yesterday with most of her hair gone. It was in a short, spiky cut now and the spikes had silver edges. Ed thought she looked like one of the X-Men.

“It’s not early in the morning.” She said. “It’s technically still nighttime. Also, reason #48 not to marry me.”

“You've got forty seven other reasons?”

She nodded, leaning her body against his and closing her eyes. She was exhausted, would probably sleep most of the way there. Ed just put his arm around her back.

“They're going to start loading the buses in like 15 minutes.” Rafael said as he walked over to where his friends were standing. Trevor wasn’t with him when he left but he was now.

“Where did you go?” Liv asked.

“To the bathroom. I don’t think I want to go on the bus.”

“You plan to hold it for seven hours?” Connie asked.

“I don’t think I’ll make it but I will try. Bus bathrooms are like my nightmare.”

“At least you don’t have to sit down.” Casey said.

“I’d probably have to sit down.” Trevor said. “I'm tall and it’s a pretty small space.”

“Eww, don’t talk about it.” Rafael said. “Cooties and amoebas.”

“Your friends are weird.” Ed whispered to Olivia.

“I know. Hey guys, can we talk about something else?”

“I'm just excited.” Connie said. “It might sound sad but other than one week in the summer to see mi abuela in Santa Catarina, we never go anywhere. I get out of the state more at school.”

“My family never really goes anywhere either.” Rafael said. “My parents work almost the entire year. What about you, Trevor?”

“I usually go to Honolulu for two weeks every summer because my Aunt lives there.” He replied. “We've been to Andorra skiing a couple of Christmases, and to Halifax because my grandparents live there. If my dad and I have spring break around the same time he's been known to take me to Miami for a few days to bond. Sometimes…”

“Where the hell is Andorra?” Connie asked.

“It’s a tiny micro nation in Southwestern Europe, bordered by Spain and France.” Trevor replied. “It’s known for its excellent skiing and high life expectancy rates.”

“Stop talking, Langan.” Casey held up her hand. “Damn, you're one of those kids with a passport aren’t you?”

“I've had one since I was born.”

“Only rich kids get passports when they're born.” Ed said. “It’s like the new silver spoon.”

“Sorry guys.” Trevor put his head down.

“It’s OK.” Rafael said, putting his hand on Trevor’s arm. He knew the kid was rich, he lived on Park Avenue for God’s sake…but that was rich. That was like intimidatingly rich.

“For ten days every summer we all pile into the station wagon and go somewhere cool in America.” Casey said. “Mind you, it’s rarely cool but my stepdad thinks it’s cool and we play along cuz its better than being at home. I get to take so many pictures, and he never complains about buying me film, so it’s usually heaven for me.”

“Are you going to be a photographer one day, Casey?” Rafael asked. He'd only seen her prom pictures but she was pretty good for a kid with a pink Kodak point and click. She had the touch.

“No way. I mean photography is awesome and I can see it being a lifelong hobby, especially when I get some money and some cooler camera equipment. But if I don’t get a college degree and a real job, my parents will kill me. It'll probably be law, but I have been thinking about veterinary school.”

“Alright you guys, we’re going to start boarding the buses in five minutes.” Mrs. Linden, the 11th grade AP English teacher was walking through the throngs of sleepy teenagers. “Everyone needs a partner, whom they will remain with for our entire outing, and all partners will be recorded on my clipboard here. Coed partners are allowed but any hanky panky will be worth two demerits so please be aware. Any unseemly hanky panky that is a violation of school code is an automatic suspension.”

“Why doesn’t she just say gay isn't OK?” Rafael mumbled.

“Because that would be rude.” Casey replied. “I'm starving. I can't wait to get on the bus…my mom packed me sausage biscuits.”

“Share.” Liv said. “I could eat a horse.”

“Me too. She made me four of them.”

“We love Casey’s mom.” Liv laughed.

“Liv, sweetheart,” Aunt Liz approached the group of teenagers with McDonald’s bags. “My friend just dropped off breakfast. I got something for everyone.”

“Oh wow, we love Aunt Liz.” Rafael smiled.

“I don't know what everyone likes or doesn’t so you can work that out amongst yourselves.” She smiled and handed out bags. “I'm going home to fall back into bed, I want you to have a good time. Here’s some money.” Liz gave her three twenties. “I've been assured that lunch will be provided.”

“I'm good, Aunt Liz. Thanks for breakfast.”

“Of course. I’ll be here when you get back tomorrow around 2 a.m. Connie, I'm going to be taking you home as well.”

“Thanks, Ms. Donnelly.”

Aunt Liz waved and headed back to where her car was parked. Liv didn’t even realize that she stuck around but was glad she had. Opening her bag, she was greeted by the smell of a sausage McMuffin with egg and at least two hash browns. Oh yeah, this might not even make it to the bus. She watched Trevor and Rafael switch bags; Connie and Ed did the same.

“I got the pancakes.” Casey said. “I'm keeping mine.”

“You can eat all of that, Casey?” Trevor asked. He knew it was never ideal to ask a girl about food but she wasn’t batting an eyelash about four biscuits and pancakes.

“I have the metabolism of a 12 year old boy.” Casey beamed. “Good genes.”

“Alright everyone, two by two on the bus,” Mrs. Linden walked to the front of the bus as the students starting making some semblance of a line. “First and last name as you board.”

“I'm eating and then sleeping.” Liv said. “Wake me when we’re in like DC or something. If you do it before then I'm not responsible for what may happen to you.”

“I enjoy looking out the window.” Rafael said. He walked forward as the line moved.

“There won't be much to see for at least three hours or so. Its pitch black out here.” Ed said.

“Just in time for DC.” Liv said. “See, I've got the best plan.”

“I'm just glad we don’t have to be in school today.” Connie was already eating her hash brown. “I've been looking forward to this trip since the last school trip.”

“Olivia Benson and Ed Tucker.” She said when they got to the front of the line.

“Thank you.” Mrs. Linden smiled.

“Have a hash brown, Mrs. Linden.” Ed handed her one. “It’s gonna be a long morning.”

“Thank you, Edward.”

They walked onto the bus, Olivia skipping past her classmates, already either eating or sleeping.

“Not too close to the bathroom, Benson.” Ed said. “This trip is really long.”

“I'm looking for a place for all of us. Oh, here we go…c'mon.”

Soon her friends joined them. Rafael and Trevor sat to the right, trying very hard not to touch each other in any way that could be misconstrued by chaperones, and Casey and Connie behind her. They were giggling, eating, and still listening the Goo Goo Dolls on Connie’s Walkman. Ed was eating breakfast, seemed to be in his own world for just a few minutes and that was OK. He looked good in his jeans, high top Chucks, and Saxon tee shirt. 

Olivia would definitely be stealing that tee shirt. These were her friends…she had friends. She wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it had and it was kind of nice. Today was going to be a good day, she made a promise to herself and her Aunt. They were leaving the dusty streets of New York behind for a sunshiny version of some American history.

“Hey Tucker?” Liv tore her second hash brown in half and gave him a piece.

“Hey Benson.”

“What do you think you're gonna do with the rest of your life?” she asked.

“Are you kidding? I don’t even know what I'm doing next week. Wait, not true…Fin is having a party. I’ll be at that party next week.”

“Funny.”

“I'm serious, I don’t know.” Ed shrugged. “My old man thinks I should do the military and the police academy like he did. That might not be too bad.”

“You're gonna become a cop?” she looked at him with raised eyebrow.

“I've got blue blood running through my veins…can't see myself doing much else. Tuckers are cops and firefighters; that’s the way it is.”

“You think I'd be a good cop?” Liv asked.

“I don’t know a lot of lady cops.” Ed replied. “But I'd be scared as hell if you pulled a gun on me.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“As well you should.”

***


End file.
